by MotherWit | Mar 6, 2010 | Uncategorized
On the heels of my last blog “Doulas Behaving Badly”, having acknowledged that we doulas understand why midwives and medical practitioners (OB/GYNs, family doctors, and nurses) are often wary of embracing us as valuable members of the birth support team, I would like to now put forth a few points to help you understand doulas a little better in the hope of bettering our relationship.
My intent as a primarily hospital birth doula is to help a woman understand her birthing options in the hospital given the policies of the hospital she chooses, encourage free flowing patient/medical professional communication, help the couple clarify their values surrounding their childbirth experience, empower the couple to make decisions based both upon those values and their needs as discussed with their midwife/medical practitioner, then support those choices. My prenatal appointments are geared towards taking a thorough history of each woman, figuring out what the couple fears about birth, filling in some of the gaps they may have in understanding the birth process, gauging her emotional state, getting a sense of her relationship to stress and pain, knowing what resources (both internal and external) she has access to as well as guiding her towards using and expanding (if necessary) those resources. Our extensive prenatal work is geared towards building confidence in her ability to give birth normally, as well as helping her partner feel good about his/her role in supporting her with the challenges of labour and parenting.
During birth, my job is help the woman and her partner ride the waves; the waves of contractions, the waves of hospital shift changes, the waves of questions and explanations, and the waves of emotion. I am their anchor. The unique rapport I have built with my clients helps them to navigate these waves of the unknown with the comfort of an experienced “surfer” as a guide. My presence helps the couple from being swallowed up and swept away, which is a very easy thing to happen systematically in a big hospital full of people who are comparative strangers. Please understand this is not a personal criticism of any medical/midwifery practitioner. In fact, most of the practitioners I work with acknowledge this impersonal care to be one of the challenges of hospital birth. This does not mean it is a place that lacks compassion and kindness. Not in the least. It just means that the way the duties are set up for hospital staff members, the intensive attention a couple needs to good physical comfort and emotional support is not readily available.
I have had nurses be brutally honest with me, which I appreciate. Some have explained, “It’s not that most of us are opposed to natural birth (though some are…they are taught about the dangers of birth and the superior value of medicine, so it makes sense some of them are mistrustful of that natural process), it’s that with all the work we have to do we just find it easier to have a woman on an IV, monitor, and epidural. If something goes wrong, we’re prepared. Also, because we have to divide our attention among several patients, we are relieved to know they’re not suffering with their pain.” I totally understand this given where they`re coming from as well as their crazy level of responsibility. But to the average client looking for an enriching birth experience in a hospital, this scenario the nurses describe is their very definition of being frighteningly “swept away”. So, if a doula can be trusted to provide that focused attention to non-clinical needs and let the nurses, doctors, and midwives do what they need to do to be the life preservers in this “surfing” scenario, we could have a really nice thing going on, giving birthing couples safe AND fulfilling care.
So, there are a few things I would like the general population of midwifery/medical professionals to know about my practice, perhaps dispelling a few myths and shedding light on some things you may not know about doulas (obviously I can’t speak for all of us, but many would concur). The best way to do this is by exploring some of the assumptions I commonly see made about me and my work, which is probably reflective of what most doulas experience. Perhaps I can put some things into perspective.
1) Doulas are the ones who make birth plans for their clients.
The more experienced a doula is, the less I find she supports this whole birth plan writing phenomenon. Sure, we encourage clients to go over them to clarify their values by outlining options and hospital protocols, but we don`t normally have them bring a paper to the hospital. I don`t, anyway. I believe the term “birth plan” is pretty close to oxymoronic. If a woman is gung ho to write one out in detail despite my gentle explanations of how these take up staff time, which can sometimes make them a little on edge, it`s their business and I`ll support them. Staff members sometimes interpret a birth plan to mean the woman believes she will most certainly be the victim of all kinds of terrible things “done” to her if she doesn’t write down all the specific things she will or will not tolerate, as well as demonstrate a belief that one actually has much control over a process one can never predict. I know this is not the intent of most women, and that they are very heartfelt and reasonable wishes. But the truth is, the vast majority of birth plans look exactly the same. Most people have the same statement, “If my baby and I are fine, I would please like to avoid any unnecessary interventions, and I`d like to be able to move around as much as possible, etc. etc.“ They get very repetitive for everyone after a while, I realize. So PLEASE don’t blame the doula for a long birth plan that ends up being a pain your butt. Essentially, if she does have a birth plan, I assure you it is not us pulling the strings and making her state these choices to play out our agendas…it is her own form of empowerment and it is her right to do so. There are HER choices, not ours.
2) Doulas are militant about natural birth, and discourage their clients from seeking out pain relief, even if they want it.
I have been in situations where a woman is working really hard to birth her baby without pain medication. This is what she has asked me to help her do, everything is going normally, AND she happens to be making quite a lot of noise in the process. I have had medical practitioners demand to know why I am holding my client to this choice, have had them get in my client’s face while she`s contracting asking her, “is anyone telling you you shouldn’t take the epidural, because I think you should,” and insisting the woman needs an epidural because she is “out of control” despite the woman telling her she doesn’t want one. Please do not demonize the doula for your patient processing her labour powerfully. This is just the way some women are, and their vocalizations, tears, and complaints in no way mean they are not doing a stellar job birthing. It just means this is how they release tension. The image of the perfectly relaxed, quiet, patterned breathing lady as the gold standard for “good” natural labour must be shattered. I have birthed all my children naturally, yelling the house or hospital down with each one, begging for someone to “get it out!” and have never regretted not taking medication. I didn’t need to be saved, I just needed to fuss. Natural birth is not some uber feminist political activity. It is a process many women wish to embrace, and are interested in going through it the way Nature designed it, which happens to be a pretty intense design. Because she chooses natural birth doesn’t mean she wishes she weren’t in a hospital without her chosen safety net.. she simply prefers not to be part of the 98% epidurals for first time mothers statistic.
Disturbing her process because you assume it`s too hard for her doesn`t help her…it discourages and disempowers her. The only one holding her to task is her, even if we as doulas are actively encouraging her to keep on going. Trust that if she truly calls it quits, she will have our support…because we know her and this has been communicated between us before you`ve even met her, we are supporting her the way she`s asked us too. Sometimes you will see our support is to help our clients get epidurals as quickly as possible if this is their intention. Our clients vary a lot.
3) Because doulas don’t attend as many deliveries as medical professionals, they cannot possibly have enough experience to offer.
Though it is true the volume of “deliveries” attended by medical and midwifery practitioners are and will always be far greater than those doulas can attend, you have to remember the HOURS we spend with each client create a lot of opportunity to properly witness and interpret, without clinical responsibility, the unique way in which birth unfolds for her. We have learned a lot about supporting birth, through experience you many not have, by witnessing birth at home, birthing centres AND hospital, often all the way from start to finish. I have insight into this process you may not because your time is divided and your observations are intermittent. You may have a 12 hour shift in which you visit periodically, whereas I am there the whole time, on occasion even for 48 hours in a row. I do the postpartum follow-up, and if I am blessed to attend the next births of these clients, I know them very very well. You need to trust that we KNOW our ladies. We know what they want, what they are afraid of, how they have been hurt in the past, we are keepers of some of their deeper secrets and quirks, know what words NOT to say, and have usually watched the way they labour at home before they get to the hospital. You might need to go out on a limb and have a little faith that even though you have more knowledge and experience regarding management of labour and delivery (and thanks for that..we are grateful you are there for the work we are not qualified to do), we may have a greater understanding of the flow of THIS labour and the personality/emotion/energy of the one who this labour force is being channeled by.
I have noticed a few nurses, when they find out I am a doula, get a little territorial and start wanting to “show” me their support skills (most don’t…they just leave me do my thing and do their job), asking me why I`m not doing or not doing something they know to be labour support, assuming I`m bad at my job. And occasionally, in doing this, they provide support that is inappropriate to the client/patient we’re tending to. For example, I have lots of women who tell me being too hot makes them nauseated, or that they hate being touched when they’re in pain. From the many hours we have spent together prenatally, I know this. Seeing me NOT using heating pads or massage, or birthing balls, or directive breathing as labour support tools on occasion does not mean I am ignorant of them or too lazy to apply these techniques. It means I probably know this is something the client has intuited she won’t want during labour. If a nurse walks in and starts telling my client ways to breathe or move or tools to use simply because it looks like I`m doing nothing, she may essentially be flooding the labouring woman with too much information in the moment, which draws her out of her deepest mammalian brain, and actually impedes the flow of labour hormones. Sometimes a doula’s magic is about being still and quiet, simply being a resource a client can look at for a smile of reassurance or someone trusted and familiar she can reach out for when she needs. Essentially, we hold the space.
This does not mean I don’t value a nurse’s or doctor`s input! Ì am not saying they should leave all the support to us. I honour a nurse`s experience. If she says, “Hey, I have an idea!” or jumps in because she knows in any given situation a particular tool will almost always help given the huge amount of experience she has, I welcome this knowledge wholeheartedly, and thank those who are willing to help me learn. They are clearly coming from a place of good authority in this instance, not ego. I don`t hold the belief that medical people cannot offer fantastic labour support..they certainly can at times. I personally have been held in the arms of a family doctor while she slow danced with me in hard labour while I cried into her comforting shoulder about what a hard time I was having.
My clients have hired me as their constant and trusted support because they know it is intermittent at best at a hospital. It`s just the way the system is. Don`t take that personally. Knowing someone is there to make womens` labours more comfortable in the absence of a medical caregiver should make nurses, midwives, and doctors relieved, not wary.
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4) Doulas tell their clients they can have a hospital birth without any interventions with their guidance.
Not true. We understand that by being in the hospital, we’re in your house. I know your level of responsibility, I truly do, and I honour the work you do. If my client doesn’t want to be monitored at all, I know this is unreasonable to expect. I will suggest monitoring in a comfortable position for her, or ask if monitoring can be more intermittent, but I won’t lead my client to believe they can just easily go without monitoring or vaginal examination in the hospital. If my client decides to sign a waiver stating she is going against medical advice and refusing these things that are policy, PLEASE know I did not “put her up to it”. It is often our clients who hire us because THEY are anti-hospital and feel they need someone to help make their experience palatable within that system. I actually try to help veer couples from this kind of thinking. I don’t think it helps people to go into a hospital assuming they are going to be victimized. I don’t want my clients to mistrust their doctors and nurses. I think this mistrust leads to a guarding of oneself that doesn’t lend well to birth flowing smoothly. If a pregnant client doesn’t get along with her caregiver, I suggest changing caregivers to one I can refer her to who I know is compassionate and respectful. If she is not willing to do that yet is willing to complain loudly about the disliked caregiver she refuses to leave, then I consider this a reflection of deeper seated issues I will be very aware of during the birth.
Our clients CHOOSE hospital birth, most often because this is what they want. To an extent, if they make this choice, they claim they are willing to jump through some of the required hoops and ride out some of the inconveniences as the price of the safety they feel they are buying from being in this system. To help them understand the reality of the system and what choices they may have to make in different situations is important, as sometimes in knowing, they are opened up to different realms of choice. But this is normally not done by doulas in a way that makes clients feel like they`re going on a suicide mission. Doctors and nurses should never be demonized, as these are the people who will be their caregivers. There has to be some trust in good intentions. In my experience, doctors and nurses are very much invested in their patients not only having a medically safe experience, but also a nice one. No good medical care provider is going to feel good about their patients feeling awful. When a woman has a birth she feels great about, everyone in the birthing room is really happy.
For a doula to lead her client to believe she will have a homebirth like experience in a hospital, especially by means of putting up a huge fight and mistrusting the establishment, is misleading and potentially wounding. We`re honest about the challenges, but we don`t tell them to approach medical personnel with viciousness. We are not about making enemies.
5) Doulas are totally against medical intervention in birth.
I have seen way too much for that to be true. I am not some wide eyed, naive, girl with flowers in her hair just because I work under the title of “doula” (which, but the way, I actually think is a silly name…not a fan of it, but it’s so entrenched in the vernacular, what’re ya gonna do?). I have seen fetal death a couple of times. I have seen ruptured uteruses. I have seen prolapsed cords and babies come out looking terrible without any apparent reasons. I`ve been at this for a long time, yet these instances are so rare, I easily manage to keep my belief that birth works great most of the time. I believe all interventions hold inherent value when used appropriately. And who am I to say whether or not the intervention is appropriate? If a woman chooses to birth in a hospital and agrees to follow her doctor`s advice, it`s not for me to assume she`s making misguided choices just because it`s something I may not choose myself. Just because a particular intervention may not be lavender scented or perfectly natural doesn`t mean the knowledge,technology, or medicine wasn`t whispered down by the same Source that motivates a favoured doula skill.
I’m not a medical person or a midwife, and I’m not out to endanger anybody by assuming I know much about clinical care. But I do believe in asking questions. If a resident comes into the room and tells my client that because she’s been at 3cm (gently contracting) for a few hours and needs some Synto stimulation, I won’t jump in and say, “No she doesn’t!” and reach for my homeopathic remedies. That`s disempowering. After all, she may WANT the Pit. But I will ask my client how she feels about it, and suggest she ask if it’s the resident’s suggestion or if there is a real, immediate worry about the baby. I remind my clients who, like many people, are in awe of medical professionals and a little afraid to appear stupid by asking questions, that medical people are humans, and in my experience usually very willing to respectfully explain the suggestion/request/demand. The vast majority of doctors don’t automatically assume they’re being questioned or cornered because someone asks them a question. If a doctor says, “I’m worried about this and this and in my experience this and this can happen if we don’t do this and this,” this gives the woman information with which to choose. If I have questions of my own, I’ll ask them, and if a midwife or medical person takes the questions personally, that is a reflection of them, not of me. My respectfully put questions are intended to gather information and learn, not a knee jerk reaction to criticise or negate a clinical call.
Now, I have had some pretty intense encounters with doctors. Some hate doulas on sight, and will take our presence in their house very personally. I had a doctor who seemed to think I was “protecting” my client from their “evil “vaginal examination because I held her hand and guided her to breathe in and out gently before their fingers were introduced. They said, “You act like you’re preparing her for the worst.” and I could just hear the anti-doula alarms ringing. I was actually preparing her not because I thought they or their exams were evil, but because she had told me in our prenatal encounters that her cervix was very tender and has always experienced terrible pain with examinations. After that, things just went downhill. Because this lady was standing up a lot and was receiving intermittent monitoring at her request, the doctor was sending out the vibe they thought these clients were anti-hospital birth and were using me as a resource to tell them what to do. The doctor started making comments to them like, “You know, in obstetrics it’s not about what YOU want.” These clients were not children who needed lecturing and of the mindset that birth should be natural at all costs! They were not asking questions because they were anti-doctor, yet they were being treated as if this were the case, and the level of tension in the room was terrible. Sadly, she never dilated beyond that point, and could just not get her mojo back. What makes me sad is that I’ve had great births with this doctor in the past. What I’m thinking is that this person may have witnessed some pretty bad doula behaviour for them to formulate such a strong reaction over a slight that didn’t even exist. For that, I feel sorry, as if I need to apologize for all those of my kind who step on toes and enter the hospital with a bad attitude. At some point, I hope this doctor learns to trust me, knowing if my clients are not on IV or monitor all the time or ask questions, that it’s emphatically not because I set out to sabotage their approach to care. I am not so powerful that I can pull those kinds of puppet strings, even if I wanted to.
I will be the first to congratulate a client for choosing an epidural if she felt she was suffering with her labour for whatever reason and was no longer open to my suggestions, or jump in with getting her on her back with directed pushing if that’s what she says she wants or proves useful to her. If a client is vomiting and clearly becoming dehydrated and nothing we try alleviates this, if a medical person starts talking about IV, I gently validate the value of IV hydration in cases like hers, even though she may have been desperate to avoid that intervention. It’s not that I am trying to get her to choose that, but to perhaps buffer some fear around it. If a mom is going to choose in intervention, the last thing I want is for her to be in mortal fear of it. It won’t work as well. As a doula, I have to give both sides of the story without bias. This way a woman can truly choose as opposed to being led somewhere according to my personal bias. And remember, I am dealing with women here who are choosing to birth in a hospital, meaning they DO have an underlying fear a lot of the time of all hell breaking loose in labour. They are there because they want options and feel safer knowing there are shiny machines that go “ping”. Homebirth is a whole different kettle fish, and the beliefs about birth for women who choose this setting are not generally coming from the same gestalt.
6) Doulas believe that if a client is informed and does everything “right”, she will be rewarded by a wonderful birth.
Just because we are helping a client who wishes to minimize interventions where possible, does not mean we are subject to magical thinking. Please give us more credit than that. The one thing I emphasize to my clients is that birth is unpredictable. I encourage flexibility. I help them to be able to ride waves of any nature, not just the lovely natural birth ones. I don’t see a C-section or epidural as some kind of personal failure. It would be terribly cruel to project that kind of perfectionism onto any mother. In fact, I find the couples who are the most easy going, the ones who are committed to natural birth but are open to intervention if necessary or if it becomes a personal choice, tend to have much better overall birth experiences….far better than those who write super detailed birth plans. It’s the people who are totally attached to natural birth no matter what, who assume they will feel like failures if things don’t go the way they want, and who are judgmental of those who are too “unaware” to eschew these interventions, who often end up being quite disappointed in their experience. I don’t mean to get esoteric here, but it seems the more you try to hold onto control during labour, the more it tends to veer away from you. The Great Lady Birth doesn`t like to have assumptions made about her. It’s great to hold a hope and an intention, and I fully support someone sayìng, I`m going to go all the way for a natural birth!“, but I do feel having the flexibility to move to Plan B is a great resource.
This is not to say that flexible people do not get wounded in birth…a bad environment, unanswered questions, lack of respect and compassion, and lack of knowledge of options can definitely create birth trauma, as can just a really rough natural birth. This is where doulas come in…to help that kind of trauma not happen. An unexpected C-section is usually a lot easier to heal from if there was respect, information, and loving words. At least a woman is not left all alone in the dark thinking, “my body must be defunct.” This is a hard wound for a woman to bear. As doulas we have tremendous power to connect a woman to those areas of her birth she shone and was really strong and amazing, even if things went unexpectly. We believe happy mothers who feel great about themselves provide calmer, happier care to their babies, so their feeling as good about themselves even in light of a harsh experience is crucial to healing.
What I can tell you, is that I believe most of the time birth works really really well, and while I as a doula cannot recreate Ina May`s Farm, with a combination of good clinical care (midwifery/medical) and good supportive care (doulas), we provide what parents feel is the best of both worlds. In doing so together, we CAN reduce the rate of unnecessary interventions, have the world populated by happier, more emotionally connected parents, and have healthier, happier, more emotionally connected babies. It’s not a bad goal.
Doula work is mostly joyful, and most doctors and nurses I know like their jobs a lot too. If this were a profession that caused constant trauma and heartache, I personally wouldn’t do it. To witness the birth of a child into the arms of an ecstatic mother and father or non birthing mom is one of the most enriching things I can imagine….and I get to see it much of the time, even, yes, in hospital birth where most of my clients choose to have their babies.
I hope I have shed light on some of the ideas people have about doulas, as well as explain some of the challenges we have given common attitudes about us and our work. I know this list is not complete, but I hope it gets some good dialogue happening.
Lesley
http://www.motherwit.ca/
by MotherWit | Mar 4, 2010 | Uncategorized
My daughter Kayleigh came home a couple of days ago from her gym intensive class with some interesting information. She had been distance walking with a girl in her class who is a nursing student. It turns out she works in the Labour and Delivery unit at a hospital I practically live at. When my daughter told me her name, I was familiar with it. A nice girl, who always greets me with great friendliness. I enjoy working with her. So it was with mixed feelings when I heard from Kayleigh that this nursing student generally doesn’t like doulas. Kayleigh informed this young woman that her mom was a doula and mentioned my name, and this is when she said, “Oh, Lesley is one of the few doulas I really like. But most of them I don’t like. They take my patients off the monitors and mess with IVs.”
What I want to know is WHO of you doulas out there are doing this?! Because you know what? You’ve gotta stop. I don’t know about you, but I have worked long and hard to get in a position where doctors and nurses trust me. In fact, most of my business is through doctor referral. It is this trust that has led to my good success as a doula. I did not sign on to be a doula who works mainly in hospitals because I am personally a big fan of hospital births in general. I’m an avid home birther. But my purpose and my goal is to ensure women get the best possible care within the system they choose. This is not by control, but by support. I truly feel if all members of the team took time to look into each others’ hearts, we would most likely find the same intention…to hold a space, the way we know best, for a safe and happy outcome for the mother, father, and baby. We may have different approaches to this goal, but each member has a valuable role that deserves respect.
I personally think it is extremely bad behaviour on a doula’s part to fiddle with equipment in a hospital because you are trying to reduce intervention. This is not advocacy! This is blatant rule breaking, and creates the risk of getting us banned from hospitals altogether. In fact, one of my clients told me that at one of the hospitals I work at less frequently, there is a group of family doctors who refuses to work with patients who have doulas. This breaks my heart, because I know if they could only witness a few good experiences with doulas, they would relax, and see the value of our services for their patients. My best experiences are usually ones in which family doctors are involved, and I think these doctors who have banned doulas are denied of seeing the kinds of births that are common with the presence of a good doula. It only takes a couple of bad egg experiences to put people off eggs.
Why should you not take women off the monitors? After all, they’re on there way too long a lot of the time. Because, it is not your role. You can track down the nurse and ask her to please take off the fetal monitor, explaining your client has been on it for the required time. In my experience, once I ask permission, I see the beginnings of trust start to happen. The nurses know I am not out to sabotage their work. Imagine being them for a minute. They are responsible for the monitoring of their patients. It is they who usually decide whether or not a doctor needs to come into the room to check things out based on what’s going on with the mother and baby. If a nurse is required to have a mother on the monitor because that is the rule of the hospital, she comes back in and you’ve undone the whole thing, something happens with the baby, who do you think gets in the most trouble? Probably the nurse.
I’m a pretty experienced doula, and am capable of reading a monitor, getting a general sense of how things are with the baby. But I am not qualified to diagnose this for certain. There are probably a lot of things I DON’T know about reading a fetal monitor, and I’m not going to assume anything. If your client wants to take off her monitor, it is her right to do so whenever she wishes. But not at your request or suggestion. And it is certainly not your right to take her off the monitor for her unless there has been an agreement between you, the client, and the nurse. Ask the nurse. If she doesn’t agree for some reason neither you nor your client understand, ask the head nurse. In my experience, when a nurse sees I am playing by the hospital rules, she often gives me permission saying, “okay, take it off, but just buzz me and let me know so I can mark it down.” Building this rapport of trust is essential for us to continue our work, so we can demonstrate the kind of birth outcomes that make doctors and nurses stand up and take notice of how important our work is.
Combative doula behaviour is not going to change how the hospital operates. If you go up to a nurse, get in her face, and say, “What do you think you’re doing?” every time she has to turn up the Synto (because it’s her job), you are not going to teach that nurse a lesson in Synto administration. It’s going to make her say, “Screw you and the little weekend workshop you came in on.” At the nursing station, they will laugh at you for having the audacity to assume you know the “right” way for them to conduct themselves. Now, perhaps you do. Perhaps you are savvy of evidence based medicine based upon things they have not studied. No matter. Your behaving this way will not ever get your thoughts listened to. No change will be created. In fact, you set it up so there will be a very shaky future for you and your doula sisters to work within.
The environment I work in is accepting and allowing of my doula care, through familiarity, careful diplomacy, and trust. If I were uncomfortable with a way a nurse was administering Synto, I would suggest the mother or her partner to ask, “I really am having stronger contractions now, would it be possible to wait a little before upping the Synto?” (in the hopes that the mother’s body will take over, negating the need for more). Most nurses say, “Sure, we can wait a bit if that’s what she wants.” If they are really adamant about not allowing this and you’re not sure whey, you could talk to the resident or doctor, though not in a way to make it seem like you’re “telling” on the nurse. They may give you a very valid reason you didn’t know about or consider. If everyone says, “no,” and you don’t get it, the client herself or her partner can certainly speak for themselves. They’re not victims here. It is ultimately their battle, not yours. And if they decide to accept this treatment, even if you think it is inappropriate, what do you do? Suck it up. It’s not your choice. Yes, it’s hard to see things administered when you are very aware of the risks and see them unfolding before your very eyes. But you have to remember: your clients CHOSE hospital birth. By going into this environment they are aware that for the sense of personal safety they’re buying by being there, there are some challenges associated with that. Don’t assume that because they acquiesce to a procedure you don’t like means they feel victimized. Don’t assume, “oh, if they had all the information, they wouldn’t make this choice.” Not true. Your clients are not representatives of your own personal agenda to educate staff members on what you feel is the “stupidity” of their protocols.
You may ask, “what if my client doesn’t have the type of personality where they can stand up for themselves?” If you inform them to the best of their ability, giving both sides of the coin, your client can tell you what she wants when you have a private moment, and you can communicate it, letting the staff know you are stating your client’s wishes, not yours. I’m not personally a fan of doing this, as I think even if women can’t speak because of the labour, their partners can. But sometimes you’re with a very vulnerable woman who is alone, and you make exceptions. If, however, she can’t stand up for herself even with your help because she’s afraid of creating conflict, making choices based on not rocking the boat instead of on what she needs, you have to wonder at what point you are at the line between empowering and enabling. Where does your role of advocacy end and your journey of owning the birth for your client begin? Stand back and re-examine your intention.
If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen. If you loathe attending hospital births, stop. If you cannot abide the procedures and the way women are sometimes treated there, fair enough. Not everyone can stomach it. If you feel like you have to weep every time a woman gets an unwarranted vaginal exam, even if she doesn’t seem to mind, you are in the wrong profession. Maybe midwifery is more your calling, so you can provide consistently compassionate clinical care. You know what? I don’t like MOST of the ways birth is dealt with in the hospital. And that is precisely WHY I’m there. I know, through experience, that gently and lovingly going about my work, being present for each experience, finding the best in people, making friends, respecting ideas, and working together is how the change is made. I have to digest an awful lot of crap and witness some yucky things in order to do so, but I can tell you it is working. The head of OB at one of the hospitals my colleague Rivka and I work was at a meeting some nurses and doctors had invited us to. She acknowledged and honoured our work there, recognizing the importance of our statistics, and is interested in using us as resources to help lower the rate of some of the interventions. The doctors and nurses had to qualify, “Lesley and Rivka are GOOD doulas,” implying there are problems with doulas out there who are on political rampages, in violation of active but non-violent communication.
Doulas, you have TREMENDOUS power to bridge the gap between holistic and medical maternity care. We can help warm up a frosty nurse with friendliness. We can have our clients ask questions about their care which lead to their choices being honoured. We can encourage and praise a new doctor for catching a baby in an “alternative” position so he feels more confident about it for the next lady who comes along. We can show them that most women can give birth without pain management if they choose and circumstances favour this choice (if you set up a lot of tension and conflict, this will be less likely…it may not after all be the “system” to be “blamed” for the woman’s epidural..it might be you). I have had lots of doctors and nurses ask me about the non-pharmaceutical ways I help to ease back pain in labour. They are interested. We can buffer the environment, and support our client strongly when things go out of every one’s control. These are small but powerful ways we work, creating momentum. But we need a mellow environment for that work to grow.
Simply put, women are not all gonna be running off and having home births just because we embrace it to be a safe, wonderful option for most families. The vast majority of births are going to be in a hospital, like it or not. Is our mission to be “right” and go about snottily proving it to every nurse who ups Synto through an IV, or is it to lovingly welcome in a baby to a mother who feels as empowered, respected, and loved as we could make her feel? If she has a crappy birth experience in spite of all your good work because the people at the hospital were nasty that day, well, that might make her choose a different option the next time. And if she has a wonderful experience, is this not MARVELLOUS enough?
So, all you doulas behaving badly out there, please understand you are hurting the cause. You may justify yourselves all you want by making snide remarks about brown nose diplomacy. I would rather wipe off the occasional stain than have my spotless snout shut out entirely and responsible for leaving vulnerable women unbuffered in that system. Because that is effectively what you are doing. Instead of healing this birth culture through your angry, righteous approach, you are going to get doulas, the very ones who hold the power to heal it, barred from hospitals entirely. When that happens, those hospital birthing women will not have access to the care they need from us, thus limiting their choices and potential for amazing experiences within that harsh environment even further.
A woman’s birth is her own journey. It unfolds for her, provides lessons, transforms her, and gives her a baby. There is not a lot of control over that. Sometimes you have to sit back and watch things you don’t agree with go on. Midwives and doctors do this too. If you think a birth full of interventions is necessarily a reflection of how good or bad you are as a doula, and this is one of the reasons you are so viciously opposing them, you are working from your Ego. Let it go, Sister, and focus on the bigger picture. We need you.
Lesley
http://www.motherwit.ca/
by MotherWit | Mar 3, 2010 | Uncategorized
It is a beautiful day today! So many options! In fact, so many, I’m feeling overwhelmed. When there is too much to do and no concrete plan, I tend to get very unfocused and end up frittering away my time on things of not so much importance.
My friend Millie, who is a postpartum doula of remarkable talent, believes the 24 hour day was invented by someone who was most definitely NOT a mom.
My kids are on Spring Break, so I am not doing any pre-post natals, though I will be having a birth within the next 48 hours almost definitely…maybe even two. Even so, I feel busier than ever.
I have childbirth videos to wade through in order to show my Birth Essentials prenatal class attendees different views of labour. I have content to organize. I have SO much administrative stuff I am backed up on. I promised to take my kids to a movie. I have yoga to do, a carrot/ginger/ cashew soup to make, more Doula Training applications to look through (we’re at about 10 students now, and still 5 months before we start), I have writing deadlines, piles of laundry, plus the daily answering of calls from potential clients and communication with clients with questions and concerns which punctuate my day. The dog needs all kinds of ear treatments which take time to do. Pots and pans to scrub. All you moms out there know what I mean. Whether or not you have a “job”, the business never ends.
I long for a couple of days to do nothing. Or a week without work or cleaning to organize my files. I feel like I’ll never get on top of it. My issue is my distractibility. I am a hyper focuser by nature. If I am deeply absorbed in something, I will forgo food, people will literally have to yell at me for my attention, and find it extremely difficult to pull myself away. It is almost impossible for me to get back to that task once the concentration is broken. And of course, with four children, there are distractions at least every 2 minutes, plus the phone calls. Ah, well, one step at a time. What I love about being at births is that all these worries fade and all I have to do is be blessedly in the moment.
Off to find some focus. Have a wonderful day!
Lesley
www.MotherWit.ca
by MotherWit | Mar 1, 2010 | Uncategorized
My younger kids have Spring Break this week. It is SO nice to take a break from the daily grind of getting up early, before school/work chaos, the day running around to pre/post natals, home, dinner, then administrative work and family time. I enjoy sitting around in my jammies for the morning and being leisurely, eating decadent things for breakfast and enjoying a slow cup of coffee.
I am happily expecting a couple of births this week. I haven’t had a birth in 2 weeks, and this is a really long time for me to go without attending one. I’m excited to reconnect to that energy again. After my last child was born, I took a few months off from going to births, and I would find myself calling my colleagues and students every couple of days to hear new birth stories. It just never gets old.
I think about what I’ll do someday when or if I retire from going to births. Probably teach and write about birth full time, most likely. And travel the world. I had my first children quite young, and continued having a baby here and there until I was 35, so a lot of travel has not been so feasible. Until then, though, there are still so so many things to do. I would love to do a shamanic herbalist apprenticeship with Susun Weed. I want to study osteopathy. I want to do more in depth midwifery studies. It’s not that I want to practice as a midwife. Not at all. But I appreciate learning as much about something I’m dedicated to as possible.
I may be going away a bit this September and get the opportunity to learn some more technical midwifery skills, though that’s not the intent of the trip. I’ll keep you posted on this as the plans shape up.
What I have really enjoyed about knowing about the midwifery approach to maternity care, being a consumer and a witness, is talking about it with the friendly doctors I work with. When they’re open to it, they’re quite fascinated. On occasion I will be with a nervous resident and a woman will be insisting on staying in her hand-and-knees position to birth her babe, and I’ve been able to talk the resident through it to some extent if they’ve open to hearing it, giving them little tips on how I’ve seem midwives do it. or at least reassure them the baby can certainly come out this way, as I’ve seen it many many times and know it’s possible, having birthed in that position myself, as a matter of fact. It’s a very interesting part of my job, to evoke interest in what those crazy midwives are doing in out-of-hospital births. I so wish the system was such that midwives could do some skill enrichment workshops with doctors so all the docs could catch babies in different positions with confidence. This would create so much more opportunity for women to have better births in the hospital. But alas, I can’t see this happening for a long time, given the general feelings of animosity between doctors and midwives here.
As a doula, I seem to be in a unique position. Most of the doctors I work with trust me and know I’m not out to practice midwifery “on” their patients. My clients are all very aware of who their primary caregivers are, and know I don’t take responsibility for monitoring their babies or checking their cervices at home. So the doctors know I know who calls the clinical shots. This clear boundary seems to be one of the keys to that trust. I don’t remove monitors without permission or fiddle with IVs or try to catch a baby before the doctor gets there, as I know some doulas have the reputation of doing. They also see the results of their patients having doula care, and most are now definite supporters of doula attended births. In fact, my doula colleague Rivka and I have been approached on occasion by family doctors and nurses to potentially do some doula training for medical/nursing students. We did a workshop once with family doctors on non-pharmaceutical pain relief in labour. Now THAT was exciting, as we generated some inspiration. Though I’m not a midwife, I am a natural birth ambassador within a high-tech system, witnessing births from every point in the spectrum, and it is a powerful position to be in, as I can do some serious seed planting in the hopes of creating a little more gentleness within this system.
In any case, I feel a more in-depth blog steeping on that subject, but I’ll leave it for now, and go enjoy my kids, who seem to be in a pile, wrestling on the floor with the dog and their dad. I’m jumping in!
by MotherWit | Feb 26, 2010 | Uncategorized
I tried to take a nap today. My self-nurturing side said, “you are a doula. You have births coming up. You are exhausted and have not been sleeping well. You have the opportunity to lay down your head and rest for a couple of hours. DO IT.” So I listened dutifully, empowered woman that I am, only to have a bunch of little voices come to the surface. “The house is a mess…what do you think you’re doing?” “Your husband works 9 to 5 and never gets to nap during the day. A little self-indulgent, aren’t you?” “You do know you have to interview a couple of students from New Brunswick and need to make those calls, right?” “What are you going to feed the kids while you’re gone gallvanting at the Pointe Claire Boutique Bummis Soiree Mamas Sexy tonight?” And so on. Not only that, but my CrackBerry rings all the time whenever I try to rest. I could turn it off, but what if someone goes into labour and I end up not getting to them in time? My third birth was under an hour. If my midwife had turned off her phone for an hour, she would have missed my birth. Well, actually, she did miss my birth, but through no fault of her own. She got there in time for the placenta. I just don’t turn off my phone. Which means I end up being awoken by non urgent rings too. Basically, I lay down for an hour and ended up just wasting time, neither sleeping, nor being productive in any manner. Rats.
At the Soiree Sexy last night, I absolutely fell in love with a product they were selling. Do you ever get it where you see something and you just WANT it, know you just shouldn’t, but your brain is still whirring with ways to get around it so you CAN have it? Well, that’s what happened. There was this wrap shirt…oh, beautiful wrap shirt…go to lillap.com and check out the delicious origami wraps. They are made of the softest, lightest, floatiest organic cotton, in stunning colours. It is the perfect shirt. You can wear it in about 17,000 different ways. It accentuates the bulges you want to show off and forgives the ones you don’t. You can scrunch it up and throw it in a ball. It’s never the same shirt twice. No, they are not paying me to advertise. No, I am not promoting anyone. I just saw it and fell in love. The MotherWit Doulas were crowded around these wraps, stroking them as if they were newborn babies. The issue is that these wraps are pricey. Not that they aren’t worth every penny…after all, they are excellent quality and so versatile, it’s like 5 shirts in one….but yikes, nearly 100 bucks for a shirt (even with the sale discount that’s way outside the average person’s clothing budget). I have NEVER spent that much on one article of clothing, barring outerwear and the Doc Martens I lived in throughout my 20’s (winter, summer, pants, dresses and shorts…didn’t matter, always wore Docs…I even still have some blue velvet ones stacked away somewhere around here).
A few former clients were at Bummis last night, and loved these shirts too. I could see tremendous mental struggles going on, internal calculations being made, justifications as to what to tell the husbands being formulated, etc. And, one by one, many of the doulas/clients caved, and bought themselves one of those wonderful shirts. One of them even bought two (one as a gift). I felt proud of them, because they work so hard, are great mamas, and are entitled to a treat like this once in awhile to feel comfortable and beautiful. Everyone said, “Lesley, GET one! You should have one. You deserve one!” And while that is true, those stubborn little voices in my head arose, whispering righteously, “Your 15 year old son’s pants are getting too small again and he will need clothes next week.” “Your daughter needs you to pay her for those books she purchased for school.” “Bills, bills, bills.” It’s not like our family would be devastated by $100 loss. It would be absorbed reasonably easily. I could have just bought the damn thing and truly, it wouldn’t have been a huge deal. But the guilt! How can I justify spending that much money on an article of clothing when everyone else needs stuff? Who am I to plunk down that kind of money when my birth bag needs re-stocking? Why is it okay for everyone else but not for me?
I don’t seem to have the ability to decide when making an impulse purchase like that is self-indulgent and fiscally irresponsible, or nurturing, health-giving, and the right thing to do for myself. Truly, I always lean towards the former, even though I tend towards believing the latter for everyone else, as I was truly happy for those women who bought themselves an Origami wrap last night. I’m the type of person who usually starts wearing her husband’s socks when her own wear out. My shoes will have to be falling apart before I consider another pair. Dingy bras don’t bother me. I rage against maternal guilt, yet is has me trapped in its ugly little talons just as much as the next mama, and maybe even more. Do I think if I let this guilt go suddenly I’d be a diva and hang out in spas all day long and buy expensive clothing every opportunity I got? I wonder what would happen if I just lay that guilt down once in awhile.
It’s not that I don’t nurture myself, I just tend to do it through education . I’ll buy books, go to conferences, take courses, etc. These are my “indulgences”. It drives my family nuts when they ask me what I really want for my birthday and I give them a list of books. I will then ask for essential oils if their knickers are too much in a twist over the book list, but really , these oils are for my work, not so much for me. Enriching myself with knowlege and doula tools are things I can handle. But spend money on a great outfit? Never. I have never had a manicure or pedicure in my life, even though my sweet sweet daughter bought me a gift certificate for one, and I was too lame to take the time and use her precious gift, which hurt her feelings a lot because she hates that I don’t do these things. I am an experienced perinatal massage therapist and have NEVER had a perinatal massage myself. Do any other of you mamas out there have as hard a time doing these things as I do? I’m getting tired of this burden of guilt. How about you? Drop me a post and let me know how your maternal guilt affects your own life.
by MotherWit | Feb 24, 2010 | Uncategorized
Hey, wanna be a Bad Ass Doula (BAD)? You can either work forever more as one, or you can become a BAD on your journey towards becoming a Bad Ass Midwife (BAM).
The MotherWit Birth Doula Training is reaching capacity. We are over half full for registration after only a few weeks of announcing it, and there are still a whole five months left before it goes down. If you’re thinking of going for it, I strongly encourage you to get your application process started. There are ladies coming who have already done trainings from other organizations (are left wanting a little more, I’m guessing), who have babies, attached toddlers, are from out of town, and are bringing their partners. We can accommodate you for really cheap in a mansion with a pool. ($200 for the six days for you, $100 for each additional person over 5). ’nuff said.
I also want to remind all you Montrealers that on Thursday and Friday night, Bummis Boutique is hosting a lovely soiree celebrating the sexiness of pregnant and breastfeeding mamas.
http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=308813696605&ref=share
Me and my ravishing squad of MotherWit Doulas (Birth and Postpartum) will be there to honour your gorgeous hot mama roundness and/or milkiness. Come check out the lingerie from Hot Milk and some new skin products from Earth Mama Angel Baby to show off your radiance. The days of “confinement” and hiding under tent like sailor motif-ed maternity wear are over.
Now, if someone could just make a pair of maternity jeans that were suitable for actual pregnant women… Seriously, how many of you are right now hiking up that waistband that keeps moving ever downwards? Aren’t you tired of always feeling like you’re about to lose your pants? All you maternity wear designers out there, please get on this. Pregnant women everywhere challenge you.
Lesley
