by MotherWit | Feb 11, 2010 | Uncategorized
Last night, I got a call from someone in labour. It sounded pretty mellow, and I figured by the sound of things, she’d call me within an hour or two to go to her house to support her awhile before heading to the hospital. But the mom and dad just did so great together at home, they didn’t call me until the waters broke. Even then, the mom herself was on the phone, saying, “I think we’ll go to the hospital now” all calm. But I knew I’d better hurry, because she has awesome birthing vibes. I got there, and she was already pushing. I kind of always feel a little bad when a birth goes like this and I wasn’t there to hang out longer, but then I think, “Hey! How empowering is it to be at home with your partner, having a nice time, then show up to the hospital fully dilated?!” People don’t always need me along for that ride, though they like it when I’m at the hospital protecting that birthing space for them, which I did. The resident, a sweet young guy, wanted to check her to see if the baby was coming down while she pushed, and she said, “Oh, it’s coming down, alright. I feel it.” She was a good sport so let him have a feel of what was going on and he said, “oh, yes, it’s moving down, you’re pushing in the right spot.” I smiled at him and very gently, so as not to make him feel like he said something kinda silly, conveyed to him that a woman without an epidural will most definitely know that her baby is coming, that having got to where she was completely on her own steam and without direction, she was going to continue to do so. He just beamed and looked really proud of her, happy to be there. The night nurses, with whom I have good rapport, just did the bare minimum of stuff and and didn’t interfere in the birthing space at all. I’m very grateful to them that they give me the space to create the environment the mother wants. The doctor, whom I just love because she is so accommodating, plus we have ALWAYS had natural, straightforward births together, came in and without anything but gentle praise and encouragement, caught the baby after a few easy pushes. The baby was 9lbs13oz.
What I love about this story as a doula, is that this resident now has a bit of a different side of the story. The mom already had supreme confidence in her birthing abilities, being raised by a mother who promoted a very positive view of birthing as normal. In his mind and training, a baby that huge, especially for a first time mom, is on the dangerous side to birth, and IF it is birthed vaginally, it must have to be with lots of direction, checking, and the very least, stirrups to “open the pelvis” and be ready for action, never mind no epidural. It was probably a good thing for this mom she had only opted for an ultrasound at 20 weeks and no other, as nobody figured the baby was that big, therefor nobody carried any fears about it. I know that in obstetrics being prepared for every eventuality is preferred, and they’d rather know if they’re going to run into potential dystocia. But sometimes holding that worry creates tension and an enviromnent of “management”, which, though while it is helpful for the staff to be aware of all contingencies, is not always so fun for the mom. I love that the resident now brings this story to his future practice, knowing from a good experience that the boundaries of normal are very very stretchy…just like birthing women!
by MotherWit | Feb 11, 2010 | Uncategorized
I am so happy to finally announce the official launching of the MotherWit website! http://www.motherwit.ca/
It has been a long process, gathering together the right people, finding the right words, getting good photographs, etc. It would not have been possible without my husband’s friend Daeman, who is an obvious genius, and my husband, who is not so shabby himself. So, thank you, Gentlemen, for using your skills of troubleshooting, perfecting, fine tuning, exacting, task mastering, and patience on a site that is so totally chick oriented, geared towards relaxing, opening, accepting, allowing, and going with the flow! A standing ovation to you both!
What a gorgeous picture of the woman on the home page, eh? I put it there not only because it is so hauntingly beautiful, full of what I can only describe as the pure Glory (notice with a capital G) of birth, but because I had the honour of attending her labour. I don’t think I have ever witnessed someone so profoundly transformed by her own birth experience. I get tears in my eyes every time I remember it. Sometimes giving birth teaches you what your most authentic power looks like, and when you can meet your terror with courage and be vulnerable enough to allow that power to transform it into a level of strength you never anticipated, you get to carry that with you for life. For yourself. For your child. For everyone you meet. You contribute to a healing, knowing in your heart that if only every woman could experience birth that way, no matter how it unfolds, the world would most certainly be a better place. My part in that birth was so simple…it was just to let her know I had absolute faith in her. The calm, steadfast love of her husband surrounded us all, and created the protective circle into which this woman triumphantly birthed their daughter, shouting her baby’s name in the ecstasy of welcome.
I am deeply honoured to have this photo on my site, along with all the others who contributed their amazing images. Thank you for sharing of yourselves so willingly. You are all beautiful! We will be adding more pictures as we go along, so keep checking back.
We had a great “Meet the Doulas” soiree last night. It is so much fun meeting new pregnant couples, and creating an environment of sharing. It was attended by pregnant ladies and prospective doula students. I have a great team! I always leave these meetings feeling really high.
by MotherWit | Feb 10, 2010 | Uncategorized
Sometimes it’s really hard for me to believe that what I do is a job. Yes, there are aspects of doula work I find challenging, but for the most part, it is SO MUCH FUN!
What I find challenging is the administrative, phone calling/emailing to set up meetings, paperwork aspects. I manage a lot of clients, as well as keep on top of the other MotherWit doulas’ clients, so it’s not easy. I am not blessed with great organizational skills. Yes, I know, as a Virgo, this is a slap in the face. You’d think I’d have everything colour coded, neatly filed, cross referenced, and easy to read. Sadly, no. I’m the “write-it-on-a-scrap-of-napkin” kind of gal. As to whether or not I actually enter that napkin info into my files is, admittedly, a toss up. Yet I do remember everyone, and have amazing recall for birth details, even years later. I’m always trying to improve my systems, and thank God, I have a husband who is blessed with more managerial skills than I am. He keeps my head above water, reminding me of who I need to call, who needs to be interviewed for the doula trainings, how to program things into BlackBerry, etc.
Obviously, getting called out in the middle of the night, having to brave the chill air and grab a cab to a birth, or having to change plans or drop what I’m doing to accommodate a baby-having leaves life feeling unpredictable. There are challenging aspects to that. But you know, if I always had a strict schedule and too much routine, I would not thrive. I would grow cobwebby with boredom. Once I’m in that cab, or entering into the hospital or a woman’s home, I’m ON. My Spidy senses start tingling, and I get truly excited to be about to behold the beginning of another human’s life. These are, after all, people I’m really connected to, and care for deeply. And when I am on my way home, I wear a secret little smirk. I want to ask the guy on the metro sitting next do me, “What did YOU do all night? Sleep? Boring, guess what I saw!” or the woman on the bus, “Where are you going? Oh, you’re going to discover a cure for Lupus today? Yawn. I just saw a BABY come out!”
Aside from the births, I just really like forging relationships with people. People from all walks of life and religions and beliefs. It is truly enriching to me as a human being to be part of this very special time in a woman’s or couple’s life, learning how people feel, how they approach their births, what worries them, what feeds them. I kid you not, that in one day I may go from the home of a Hasidic Jewish family with six children, chatting with the mother and her mother-in-law about all their births and the special requests she has to make her seventh birth as wonderful as possible, to the home of a Lesbian couple planning a home birth who are hoping not to give birth until the’ve moved into their new apartment, to the home of a woman hoping for a VBAC after 2 C-sections, discussing concerns about her teenaged children and their joy about welcoming a baby into an almost grown family.
I enjoy forging deep connections and feel very honoured to be asked to hold a healing space for a couple to grow into parenthood within. I love the richness of everyones’ stories. When I go off to work, and I usually have a couple pre or post natal meetings per day, 4 or 5 days per week, it’s like going out visiting. It is never burdensome. Bringing up the same information about childbirth is never boring, because everyone has different reactions, different questions, and I get to creatively tailor that information and how we deal with it with each unique couple. It is always fascinating.
I feel very maternal towards my new born parents. Not in a condescening way, but in a way that makes me just want so much for them to feel loved, empowered, and amazing for the hard work they did to bring that new life in, no matter how the birth happened. I love to see their eyes shine as they talk about giving birth, having taken the journey and sipped from the Holy Grail. There is nothing more satisfying for me than to see them proud of themselves.
As years pass, the love of my work deepens, and my commitment to providing the best care I can grows stronger. It’s easy, because my clients inspire that kind of love. I am crazy blessed to have found myself on this path.
by MotherWit | Feb 9, 2010 | Uncategorized
As the smell of gingerbread wafts from my kitchen, I wait for my younger daughter to arrive home from school so we can have our snack and a cup of hot chocolate. I have a little time to sit back and get really excited about our Meet the Doula Soiree tomorrow evening.
As a team, we MotherWitties are working out the presentation and flow of the meetings, and things are going along well. I hope to see many new faces come for information and support.
I am preparing the upcoming Birth Essentials Prenatal classes, and am SO excited about these. I love the idea of my colleagues tag teaming each other for teaching, so that all our clients get a chance to build more rapport with each of us. While we all make the vast majority of our births, I feel it so important to make sure clients are well connected with other members of the team, just in case we are not available for a birth.
I am also preparing the postpartum doula training coming up in spring, and am busy putting together a manual for the MotherWit Birth Doula Training. Also, the book is being slowly written, a few pages at a time.
It is a busy time, this hunkering down in preparation. How appropriate we are in the depths of winter, where ideas germinate until the riotous explosion of blossoming in the spring. This has been a year so rich in boundless creativity. It is time for the preparation to soon move into action. I am very much looking forward to getting away at the end of the month to my Women’s Teachings gathering in New York, where I know I will find the focus and spiritual support I need to put out my most authentic voice.
My daughter and her friend are home. The kettle is on and the gingerbread is ready. Have a wonderful afternoon.
by MotherWit | Feb 8, 2010 | Uncategorized
I have no qualms about telling women that childbirth can be very intense and painful. I in no way, shape, or form believe, provided I am not speaking about it as if it’s a horrible, frightening thing they should never try to attempt, think that to believe it CAN be painful, necessarily makes it so.
I have seen a few people have reasonably painless births. They were flukes, even according to the women themselves. There were no Vulcan mind tricks. I myself have had varying degrees of pain in my four birth experiences, ranging from almost none, to “where’s the window, I wanna jump!” I don’t think, “hmmmm, I must have been afraid or distracted, and this is what caused more pain,” because, except for one, I have had phenomenally beautiful, unfettered, physiologic birth experiences. I am aware of yoga breathing, unfocused awareness, vocalization, visualization, affirmation, yada yada. I have practised all of them. They have been very useful tools in keeping me calm. But they didn’t make me not feel pain. Would you like to tell me I did something wrong?
It gets my knickers in a twist when I hear women told they are “losing control” or “not breathing correctly” or “not relaxing enough”, the implication being they are feeling pain because they’re doing something wrong. I also HATE the simplistic, condescending, paternalistic phrase, “pain is a signal something is wrong in the body…because childbirth is good and natural, it shouldn’t hurt.” Can you imagine someone buying this crap, forking out money for methods to change “beliefs” about the hype of pain, practising for months, and then, upon experiencing pain (which, not to pick on any particular method, but MOST women WILL feel regardless), feeling like a total failure because their “sensations” were painful? Self blame? Unworthiness? Cliche? Not part of the club anymore? Not a healthy start to motherhood, I’d say.
I DO believe that undue fear and tension will increase the sensations of normal birth in a way a woman may perceive as negative. This is a physiological reality. We know that bad stress hormones will not allow for the free flowing of the lovely hormones we need to birth as pleasantly as possible. I DO believe the more we relax the more enjoyable the sensations can be regarded as, even if they hurt like hell. Pain doesn’t have to be negative, and this is the point I think people are missing when they seek to “control” and “manage” the pain of labour, as if perceiving labour as painful were a pathology in our warped thinking.
I am not a masochist at all. I’m not a glutton for punishment. But aren’t there some painful sensations that are rather nice too? Having a good massage which can hurt like crazy in some ways but feel oh so delicious at the same time is an example. So is engaging in much wanted sexual relations for the first few times in one’s life, or trying out something a little kinky, which may bring on some intense sensations the body can interpret as painful, but profoundly exciting at the same time. And even though it’s natural and good, giving birth isn’t the only rite of passage that is painful. Being born probably causes you some pretty spectacular sensations, no matter where and how you’re birthed. And, as I mentioned, sex for the first time can too. For many, the deep ache of menstruation isn’t particularly distressful. It’s a signal that the body is working hard to achieve something, and experiencing a process that requires attention to care for oneself physically and emotionally as much as possible. Some actually like that pain. Personally, I quite enjoy that pain, and I don’t believe my experience of some achiness in menstruation is a sign of misalignment, malnutrition, or emotional distress, because I know what it feels like when those things ARE present, and then it’s not fun anymore. Finally, exiting one’s body probably involves some pain too, as the cells die and the system lets go of functions it’s done for an entire life time. We all have to die, and many die in peace, even if there are some really interesting sensations involved.
I have worked with quite a few people who have thought if they just believed it hard enough, and worked their “program” hard enough, they’d come through labour able to say they had orgasms instead of pain. The ones who were orgasmic were not the ones who “tried” to be so, and the ones who worked particularly hard to get there are often the ones who end up perceiving the pain and feeling badly about it. Dude, there’s a BABY coming through your CERVIX…and VAGINA! Do you really think you can just “ohm” or “visulize” that discomfort away? It’s true, to some, like with the birth of my third child who was born in the caul, I don’t remember much pain upon transitioning and crowning. But I certainly didn’t do anything special to make that happen. The baby after that really really hurt, though I felt the same confidence and embracing of the sensations of birth. I certainly didn’t feel cheated, though, because it was a gorgeous birth all the same.
No, childbirth doesn’t always hurt, but don’t think that just because you invest a lot of time, money, and effort into a method that professes it can make it so, makes it so. In fact, some of my experiences with those who have used methods such as these have ended up with exceedingly long labours. My thought is that perhaps they are working so hard to be Zen and controlled, they stave off the inevitable sensations that are needed to get those big waves crashing and a baby born.
I just love being with a woman when she is experiencing the last leg of dilation, especially if she’s never done it before. Even if she’s not experiencing it as overwhelmingly painful (because I have seen lots of ladies come to the end of birth and say, “Thank God! I thought it would be so much worse than that!”), the sheer INTENSITY of that pull of Baby moving down and the uterus squeezing with shocking force, is POWERFUL. It is fierce, and awesome to behold. I call a spade a spade. For me, that sensation HURTS. Like nothing else in the world. Yet, I would still rather have that pain than have to endure a night of food poisoning, because as far as I’m concerned, that intense birthing, life-giving, purposeful pain is normal. Food poisoning is not.
I believe it is far more effective for a woman to learn ways that appeal to her to cope with the sensations of birth without reacting with fear, like using breathing, vocalization, etc. And I think it’s helpful if she does this without holding the expectation of painless birth. Preparing for the reality that MOST women find birth painful to some degree with tools to help reduce tension will, in my humble opinion, make birth seem far more pleasant and do-able than going into it with an “arsenal” of tools “against” pain, or of a mindset that attempts to deny it. Because then, if pain hits and your expectations are blown, you are going to lose your sense of humour. You risk not looking back upon the experience as thrilling, marvellous, and YES painful, but so so so worth it given how high those sensations made you during and after. Instead, you’re going to be wondering what you did wrong. And if you did do something fancy that resulted in the birth you wanted, with no pain, then I am truly happy for you. That’s GREAT! I, personally, would not trade a moment of my experiences, painful or not so much. Having felt pain makes me feel like I was strong and capable, not a failure for not having been evolved enough or disciplined enough to know the right tricks. And having experienced intense sensation without pain was awesome too, but not the thing that defined the labour.
