You know what phrase drives me around the bend 2 times? It’s “Why not take the epidural? You don’t HAVE to be a hero!” Women are already pretty awesome by sheer virtue of the fact they can produce babies out of small places, never mind all the other magic involved. But this whole thing of discouraging heroism is whack. For one, it’s demeaning. In a way, there’s the element of, “Why on earth do you think you have something to prove by ‘going natural’? Do you think you’re better than other women or something?…don’t want you to put on airs, after all.”
When a woman works long and hard to achieve an unmedicated birth because that’s what she wants to do, there’s sometimes an attitude that she’s engaging in an act of extreme feminism, equivalent to being “macho”. There’s no talk of how healthy it is for her and her baby in most cases to go through a natural, drug/artificial hormone free birthing process, or encouragement for making this wholesome choice for herself and her baby’s optimal physical, emotional, psychological, and spiritual wellbeing. No, instead she’s criticized and judged as “crazy”, “foolish”, and perhaps even “dangerous”, as if these healthy choices are doing potential harm. Who makes these judgements? Not most midwives, doulas, and natural birth advocates, obviously, but friends, doctors, nurses, partners, and parents who simply don’t understand that the pain is not some risky, unpleasant by-product of labour.
“You don’t have to be a hero” also belittles those women who most certainly ARE heroes…those ladies who really wanted to have an intervention-minimal birth, worked for days to achieve it, pulling out all stops and digging into all resources, only to end up with birth outcomes that were completely opposite of what they had hoped and dreamed for themselves and their babies. Do they not GET to be heroes because they had pain medication or surgery not because of personal preference but because of necessity? Do NOT tell me these are not heroic women, and don’t tell me (or them, please) that their grief over their birth experience is unwarranted because they have a healthy, live baby.
So if you ever have the urge to utter this little phrase “you don’t have to be a hero” to a woman in your presence who is powerfully expressing her labour pain, bite your tongue. Right off, if you have to. “Hero” does not mean “martyr”, which is actually what I think people are inferring when they tell her not to be one. A “hero(ine)” is a being of prowess and beneficence, This is fitting for a labouring woman. A “martyr” is a person who is willing to suffer death rather than renounce her cause. So far, I’ve never seen a woman take her desire for natural birth to that extreme, and doubt I ever will.
And what, by the way, is WRONG with being a hero? If you had the opportunity to be one for your child, wouldn’t you? If being a hero means trying to do the very best for me and my baby by refusing unnecessary medications and procedures and yelling the house down if I must in order to cope, then slap a cape on me and call me Wonder Woman.
You've hit that one right on the nail…thank you!
Very tue. That very phrase was said to me like a dozen times at the Vic. I felt the whole labour was nurses and doctors waiting for me to fail in my wish for a natural birth. When I finally got an epidural after a full day of pitocin, I felt humiliated as if this 'failure' gave the staff who didn't believe in me a kick of joy. I truly hated my hospital experience-thank goodness for my doula who kept me going for so long on no food or sleep!
So sorry you had such a bad experience ;(. That breaks my heart. I'm so glad you had support through what sounds like a brutal induction. I know it can seem like they want you to fail. I think it's more they just have certain expectations, and have a sales pitch. I have also seen spectacular compassion and patience at the Vic. It's hard not to be able to control your own birthing environment,and have to rely on the luck of the draw.
This rings so true to me, I have heard so many people associate "drug-free birth" with trying to "prove" something, and this makes me so sad. What a great post, thanks for your thoughts!!
When a woman strongly desiring unmedicated REALLY needs pain relief, the level of pain tends to override ideals. No level of support will stop her from ringing that call bell once the pain becomes truly unmanageable for whatever reason. She will eventually come to the decision of what she needs on her own. We can trust that. So if she's not asking for drugs, it means she has resources. it's not our job to assume her needs. And when she does demand relief, we support her wholeheartedly in that decision, embracing it as an empowering, healing choice, holding the space for it to provide healing to a challenging labour. Thanks for your comments!
I love how "they" automatically assume that "we" have something to prove….. really? to whom? our husbands/partners? the doctor? hmmmmmmm how about we do it for our babies? anyone think of that? I mean hey! Listen I'm not a masochist – if there was drug out there that would make transition a bit more bearable, without deadening the sensations entirely so that I loose touch with my body's signals, and with no effect on my baby or my well being…. hell yea, I'd probably take advantage of it! But there isn't. Therefore I will labour au natural…because my baby deserves it.