by MotherWit | Oct 6, 2014 | Uncategorized
I am just settling back home after an amazing, nourishing, and crazy conference experience.
What I feel was the most important aspect of the feeling of supportive community the Vesta Parenting ladies (Birth and Beyond Conference organizers Shawn DeVree and Melanie Taylor) fostered, was the emphatic focus upon the person rather than their title. All we had on our identity tags were our names. Nobody knew if you were a doctor, IBCLC, midwife, nurse, doula, student, vendor, or conference presenter by virtue of your tag. People took time to get to know each other, and people were seen for their smiles and the brightness in their eyes, their titles only discovered as the conversations unfolded. I so appreciated this. It actually helped me to heal a couple of prejudices. I admit to a bit of concern at anything that speaks of sleep consultation for babies. Yet I forged amazing relationships to beautiful souls without knowing in advance what they did, learning about their sleep work within the context of their compassion and beauty. Had I potentially shut down my mind a little to them (as I may have had their name tags announced what they did…sad to say, but in all honesty possibly true), that would have been a terrible shame. I learned stuff about ways to support the real need for maternal sleep while supporting the needs of the night waking baby that I may have missed with bias clogging up my ears.
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End of day wrap up!
From Left Dr. Jack Newman, Ina May Gaskin, Attie Sandink,Robbie Davis-Floyd,Nancy Wainer,
Gena Kerby, Adriana Lozada, Lisa Marie Thibodeau, Lesley Everest, Melissa Krawecki, Carol Peat |
I have been a doula for over two decades, and have experienced most of the conference speakers before, but I’ve never hung out at length with them. So that was fun. It meant a lot to me to pick some pretty amazing brains and express my gratitude for all they do to support families and babies. This conference was about being together in community as birth and breastfeeding workers/supporters/researchers rather than being among a hierarchy of professionals. Everyone kind of hung out together and shared a lot of lively conversations. Making deep connections with many people, sharing many passionate discussions, and holding space (and being held) throughout emotional process was as rich to me as sharing my work with the people who showed up to come hear me speak.
I loved every minute of The Healer Within workshop I gave, and appreciated the willingness the attendees showed for such a deep level of participation. I felt like the talks I gave were well received given the lively conversation and questions. I so appreciate those who reached out to tell me they enjoyed themselves.
Most of all, I want to give an enthusiastic round of applause to the organizers, their supporters, and those of us who were graciously drawn into their inner sanctum. Ya’ll know who you are.. You embraced me with open arms, fed me, checked in on me, plied me with drinks, invited me to hang with you, hugged me, let me hug you, shared stories, rubbed my feet, let me rub your feet, and were fully your beautiful, raunchy, awesome, open, badass selves. I couldn’t have possibly loved you more. Butterflies.
by MotherWit | May 20, 2014 | Uncategorized
I spend a lot of quality time with my clients prenatally. I find this kind of careful attention pays off in the birthing room. It is important for me to know who they are.
I find there can sometimes be attachment to certain “methods” of labour support. Some doulas love Hypnobirthing, some love Bradley’s, some love the Bonapace Method. And that is great! All of these methods contain wisdom and value. However, and it is very important to keep this in mind: one method does not address the needs of all people.
In my doula training, a good chunk of our time is dedicated to the art of conducting prenatal meetings for birth preparation. What do you talk about, and when? How to you bring in the great coping skills you have learned along the way to impart to your clients? The best way? Listen!
Along with the important discussion topics, such as health history and talking about choices in childbirth regarding hospital routines and interventions, I like to ask: “How do you deal with stress and pain in your every day life?” Discovering how someone copes with these things can give you decent insight into how they may like to deal with contractions.
For example if a woman replies, “If I stub my toe I like to jump around, swear really loudly, and then get a hug,” this might give you the clue that your client may potentially process the sensations of labour in a kinesthetic (moving around and holding tight to people) and auditory (making noise) way. If you wanted to explore her visual processing capacities, ask her if it would ever occur to her to visualize riding the wave of pain, or whathaveyou. If she looks at you sideways, you realize she may not be much into imaging. There is nothing to make a mother feel inadequate in learning coping skills if her natural faculties don’t resonate with them. Some women upon stubbing their toe will go silent, breathe deeply, and stare at a space in front of them. USE this information to tailor personal, meaningful coping skills with them. Many women HATE counting breaths, others need someone to speak to them gently through each contraction, and others would labour smack you if you opened your mouth made a sound. While things can flow flexibly in labour, and as a doula it behooves you have many coping tricks up your sleeve to help your clients prepare for and cope with labour if they wish, knowing who they are can give you amazing insights into where to start.
What are some other questions? I like to ask, “How do you envision your labour?” or, “what concerns you most about your birthing experience?” Exploring hopes and fears are important ways to discover what your clients’ deep, internal resources are, and how you can activate their motherwit when the going gets tough. Is it the pain she’s afraid of, or is it a fear of the loss of control? Do her expectations seem realistic given her chosen place of birth? Is your expecting her partner to be super hands on and whisper sweet nothings in her ear appropriate when that is simply not the nature of their relationship? Be so so sensitive to what THEY say, not to what you think they SHOULD do. If they don’t seem into what you’re suggesting, move to something else. There will always be one coping technique somewhere that will make a mom say, “Oh, yes, I think I like that one!” Sure, sometimes women end up needing things they’d never expected, so be prepared, but having attended births for a long time, I believe they usually turn to the things they enjoy. And those things they enjoy are usually things that are akin to how they naturally process the world around and within them. Why would she want to spend time “hoo hoo-ing” and “ha ha-ing,” and looking at her partner count off with his/her fingers when everything in her longs to chant, “OOOOOOOOOPen” while keeping her mind on a still point? Or vice versa? It is all good.
The greatest satisfaction in my work comes about when my clients are holding their babies happily and they tell me they felt deeply heard, and deeply honoured for their unique expressions. Feeling understood and validated leads to emotional safety, and this safety is the cornerstone of doula work.
by MotherWit | May 11, 2014 | Uncategorized
Happy Mother’s Day, Sweet Mamas! I haven’t blogged in a long while, and have missed it. So I thought every now and then I’d throw out some random doula tips that have helped me along the way, just to throw y’all a bone. Please know that these are my personal opinions and stories and in no way are meant to tell you what you should do if what you are doing in your practice is already working for you. I certainly don’t have all the answers. Keeping in mind that Birth is a great Mystery which shifts every time you get cocky enough to think there is a formula, and that every vessel Birth moves through will express the energy uniquely teaching you something every time you witness it, my musings are simply ideas and shared from my heart to yours. This will in no way replace your own knowledge and experience.
So, RANDOM DOULA TIP #1: TALK TO YOUR LABOURING CLIENTS:
“Well, duh, Lesley,” I hear you all saying. Hear me out for a sec. I’m not suggesting I think doulas are busting out their best mime gestures to communicate or playing rousing games of charades. What I am suggesting is that you need to rely on your client’s voice as much (or more) than you do her words.
Just to segue in to the meat and potatoes (or tofu and yams if you prefer) of this tip, let me share that my last “real” job was as a pastry selling, coffee making counter-girl at a restaurant called La Tulipe Noire in 1991. After having a baby and beginning my La Leche League journey, I did my doula training in Boston with what was then Informed Home Birth/Informed Birth and Parenting (IHB/IBP), became ALACE, and is now ToLabor. Then I hung out my “doula” shingle, and have been going strong ever since, having a few more babies, gathering many more skills along the way, and teaching lots of students to “do the doula”.
All this is to say that I did not begin my career in “the communication age”. We did not have a home computer with Internet until about 1999, like many people. So there was no information on line at your finger tips (Effective Care in Pregnancy and Childbirth by Chalmers and Enkins was the doula bible at the time), nor emailing clients to schedule. I had no cell phone. If I was on call, I would have to check my phone messages from a PAY PHONE every hour or so. These were the days you had to keep pockets full of change to use them. Soon I got a pager, but I discovered that when I went on the Metro, I would not receive a page, so I had to check in via public phone every time I travelled around the city.
Now that I have revealed my dinosaur status and you can envision me rocking on my porch and shaking my head at you crazy kids and your electronic gadgets, you can imagine that it still amazes me that we can communicate by text. Doulas receive intimate communications via invisible connections. When I stared out, photos were still captured on film, so when I receive images of mucous plugs or poopy diapers within seconds of the image being taken, I still get little jolts of, “Wow, I never imagined this would be a possibility back when I started out!” It is wonderful stuff.
And, we have to be careful. Hence the name of my random doula tip.
You see, when we rely on text communication, especially when our birthing client is in labour, we miss the subtle cues the voice can reveal. I emphasize this even more with women having subsequent babies, as their psychology can be different. People having contractions for the first time are generally keeners. Everyone is different, which is why I say “generally”, before people bombard me with how this was not their personal experience. It wasn’t mine either…my second birth was way harder and way longer than my first. So, “generally”, meaning not ALL people, but enough overall to take notice and make preparations for the possibilities thereof. Not having experienced contractions before, and not really knowing what to expect in terms of intensity, first time contraction-ers often go to their place of birth (or call in their support) early on in the process. Ladies birthing again tend to be much more laid back. They have done this before, and their experience has usually told them that it is intense for a fair amount of time before a baby comes. They know that just ‘cuz it hurts, doesn’t mean the baby is coming. They often don’t want to jump the gun. And while this is wonderful, there is often a very predictable state of denial which settles over the subsequent birther. I see this again and again, enough that I put forth this random doula tip: TALK TO YOUR LABOURING CLIENT.
The last few births I attended, for example, were of mamas having second or third babies. Texts revealed that contractions were far apart, that the contractions felt strong. But no no, it wasn’t REAL labour, it was more that they were probably just feeling scared by the fact that the veil of partial amnesia about the reality of sensation of childbirth had lifted and were smacking themselves in the head a little bit for deciding this might be a good idea to do again. It was all fine, just being a little wimpy, no worries, go off and do your thing and I’ll call you when I think I need to go to the place of birth/call the midwife. Doulas, this might be denial. It is not intentional, it is not anything weird. It just very often is a reality. Enough that I feel it worthy to mention to newer doulas. You veterans know exactly what I’m talking about. After my long and hard second birth, having already been to nearly 100 births as a doula and being an experienced mama, lo and behold when I went into labour with my third, I did the very same thing. I did not realize I was in REAL labour until ten minutes before the baby arrived. Accidentally unassisted. So even if your client is a birthworker herself, pay attention. I have doula-ed doctors who themselves catch babies for a living, and they can fall into this trap too.
The last birth I attended, had I not actually called the mother to check in and relied only on her texts, she would have very possibly birthed in her car. And I can’t imagine that being very fun. The texts said that contractions were about every ten minutes, lasting maybe thirty seconds. If you take that information at face value, as a doula you’re thinking, “Oh, that’s gonna go on all day, and we are just beginning,” and perhaps not be on alert. Given that I don’t find timing contractions very helpful when it comes to figuring if labour may be progressing, and given she told me the contractions were feeling like they were kicking her butt, I knew texts were not going to serve our purpose. I had to hear her voice to satisfy me. So we chatted on the phone, old school. Her voice revealed right away that oxytocin and endorphins were flowing (far away and sleepy sounding between contractions), that contractions were way longer than she thought (she was only counting the peaks as worthy of notice, cuz you’re often more badass the next time ’round and aren’t fussed by every sensation), and were actually quite close together (she had only been counting the BIG ones, and as we doulas know about some active labours is that often Nature gives you a “butt kicker” contraction, followed by a little “cool down” contraction). Well, those “cool down” contractions COUNT! They do stuff. But since they are not not as challenging, they are often reported more as just “twinges” between the “real” things.
If this had been a person experiencing contractions for the first time, it wouldn’t have felt as urgent to me, but because it wasn’t, and because my job is to lay out information as best I can so clients can decide what to do, I did have to let her know that while I certainly couldn’t know for sure, I felt perhaps labour was more advanced than she thought. Given a reasonably long car ride, taking that into account would be prudent. Let’s just say it was a good thing we talked.
And in my experience, though I realize other people’s experience may be different, this happens SUPER frequently. Experience has taught me (and I am a believer that it is all academic until you’ve actually witnessed it a few times and grounded the knowledge empirically), to be on the ball with moms who have previous experience with contractions, and to let your mouth and ears do the communicating instead of your thumbs.
Happy Sunday, and Happy Mother’s Day!
.
by MotherWit | Jan 12, 2014 | Uncategorized
I have been so grateful recently for my in-person and online community of friends, doulas and other birth workers.
There are many concerns about social media, and obviously many of them are valid. But when things like Facebook and blogs are used for the purpose of outreach with healing intent, their value becomes overwhelmingly clear.
It is astonishingly helpful in times of confusion to be able to type in a question to my online doula sisterhood and receive not only valuable information, but also loving support in the form of little hearts, smiley faces, and kind words. This builds up my confidence and gives me strength to be a source of peace and comfort for my clients in a real way. We are nourished by the kindness of others. And when nourished, we give from a grounded place.
When I was seriously ill last year, I received prayers, kind words, gifts, cards, and the receiving of a massive outpouring of love, a huge percentage of that from my online community (and friends of people in that community) that it is no wonder I healed up so well. These days, when I see a doula sister asking for support in any form, be it good energy sent, information, or talking her off a ledge, I do my best to jump in, knowing personally how deeply these gestures have touched my own life. I try to use this gift of social media we have with the highest intent. Most of the time, anyway.
I want to share a story that has touched me deeply. My dear doula sister who lives in Toronto named Nicole McKay, lost her six year old daughter Siobhan suddenly on January 9th. Siobhan had not been feeling well early in the morning, and before the day came to an end, she had left this Earthside home.
Needless to say, being a mother and a doula who deals regularly with parents and children, this story has touched me deeply.
Nicole and her husband, Siobhan’s father James have expressed how it is the support that is getting them through. In the end, it is all about community, the folks we know and the ones we don’t, for we are all part of the much larger sense of community social media has to offer. And for this right now, I am grateful.
I never met Siobhan personally, but from what I have been told and what I have seen reflected in the eyes of her mother, she was an exceptionally beautiful little soul, funny and wise. Her favourite colours were pink and purple. She loved to dance. She was clearly here for big things. When she was born prematurely, Nicole and James were told she would not survive. She had many challenges, but overcame them fiercely and not only survived, but thrived wholly. Though she left this world so young, the belief that she was here for great things holds fast for me nonetheless. “Great” doesn’t always mean big intentional acts of fame. It is about how much love you bring out of people.
As I look around at the beautiful responses from people online, my heart is incredibly moved. I like to believe that the love being poured from so many hearts in so many forms is a reflection to Nicole and James of their daughter’s light. I like to think that in some mysterious way we can’t explain, the essence of Siobhan’s sweetness is working through us, making sure her mom, dad, and brother are held up during this dark time of loss and despair, bringing about massive waves of compassion and Grace from all over the globe in her memory. For a teeny little girl to crack open people’s hearts for all this love to pour forth so palpably speaks of the Great-ness of her spirit. I feel her everywhere, a little ballerina on her star journey, but still very connected to us.
In this time of immeasurable loss, the best way to honour Siobhan is to take care of her precious family. If I may humbly ask that if you read this, you take a small moment to send them a little love. Light a candle. Say a prayer if that is your wish, or envision their healing. These things seem nebulous and ethereal, but if there were any small chance it could work to bring about even an inch of healing and comfort for Siobhan’s family, it is worth a minute of your time.
On Monday, January 13th a lot of people will be wearing pink and purple in honour of Siobhan. This standing together in respect and compassion is something I will participate in. I also take time every day to think of her family and envision them healing, surrounded and permeated by all the love we pour forth for them collectively, inspired by their sweet daughter.
I am a doula, who knows well the hardships my family can suffer if I cannot work. There is no sane way Nicole can attend births right now as she grieves this unspeakable loss. As a doula trainer who has had the pleasure of spending an intensive week with Nicole, I feel I know what Nicole’s heart is made out of, and let me tell you, it is good. I have never heard an unkindness come out of this woman. How much she gives to others in her work as a doula and La Leche League Leader, is something to behold. She works tirelessly to see babies into the world, providing loving attention to the creation of a peaceful environment for mothers, fathers, and babies to become a family within. Nicole and her husband James are amazing parents, and are focusing right now on supporting their young son Cayden while he grieves the loss of his older sister.
If it feels right to you, my friend Renee Mercuri has set up a page that enables us to contribute to Nicole and Jame’s finances in this difficult time so they may focus on grieving and healing without the extra worry of lost income.
https://fundrazr.com/campaigns/3fzQ1?psid=5149dc295bf448be9a28118b9f28b171&fb_ref=share__92S6Mc
If you would like to leave a loving message of condolence or light a virtual candle, you can visit Siobhan’s online memorial site.
http://www.never-gone.com/Memorials/default.aspx?m=ssg5FYKbmMIwxMN5Af5LZw%3D%3D
Love, Light, and Blessings,
Lesley
by MotherWit | Sep 18, 2013 | Uncategorized
Being a
doula is an amazing job. We are
frequently exposed to and bathed in the healing light of massively
transformative love as new parents, quivering from the shock of birth, reach
for the fruit of their hard work, taking the new life they’ve worked so hard
for into their arms and into their hearts.
Ah, to be witness to such things is good for one’s soul.
But there
is a darker side that doulas with a reasonable amount of experience have come
to witness as well. Instead of seeing a
joy filled moment, sometimes we are exposed to something violent and
shocking. It doesn’t happen often, but
on occasion there are instances that etch into our memories like a bad
dream. This is when someone enters the
space who has lost all sense (or someone who has never had it) of what birth
represents to families and to humanity as a whole: a sacred rite of passage, a
peak experience, the expansion of the heart with Love. Though not always the case, in my experience
this has happened with primary caregivers (either doctors or midwives). It occurs when you hear or see something
that seems completely incongruent with how the energy of birth should be held
for the birthing woman, her partner (if there is a partner), and the baby/ies. I’m not talking about the odd off the cuff
comments, or the harried health care provider seeming rushed and disconnected,
or the typical projected opinions. I
feel those are things we encounter from people in our everyday lives, and while
challenging, they don’t “ruin” a birth or our experience of birth as a
doula. What I am speaking of are those
moments, and most of you doulas know it, when your heart recognizes before your
mind does that abuse is occurring.
When trauma
unfolds before us, it is a healthy response for part of us to disassociate in
order to protect our psyches from the reality of the situation at hand. There have been a small handful of times in
my life as a doula I have witnessed my clients disassociate. Not because their
birth was dramatic and things took a turn way off from what they had hoped for
(that’s a different story), but because someone treated them with pointed
malice, disdain, disrespect, and vicious manipulation at the most vulnerable
time in their lives. I will not go into
the stories. I am still working out my
own responses to some of the things I have seen. It is not only the parents who find
themselves in a position to heal from this kind of inflicted trauma, but you
too, Doula.
So Doulas,
what have you done in these situations when something that is undeniably abuse
occurs before your eyes? My first
reaction is often to justify it. I
cannot believe it is happening, so my mind tries to make it right somehow so I
can cope. I try to make excuses, “Oh,
this caregiver must have their reasons,” or “They are really good people, just
having a bad day.” Very quickly, though,
my heart, which is the best gage for what a violation is, realizes what’s going
down. My next response is quick, violent
rage. I find myself wanting to lash out
verbally and physically to the perpetrator of the shocking, destructive
behaviour. What goes through my head is,
“I am supposed to advocate. I am
supposed to protect. I am supposed to
hold the space for a peaceful birth experience!” But standing in the reality of violence, you
quickly realize that you can feel completely powerless to do anything
effective. To feel helpless to defend
your client and save them from this nightmare is one of the very worst things
one can experience as a doula.
Why can you
not defend? For one, when I have tried
to advocate in these situations, even in the gentlest, most non-combative way I
know how, I have been met with screams of “Shut up!!!!” When someone is on an Ego rampage, any
attempts at reasoning will fail.
Besides, who are you? You’re
“just the pesky doula.” It isn’t our job
to argue, anyway. So our typical
responses, which may be to not even address the caregiver but ask the client,
for example, what HER thoughts are on the matter at hand, will be met with
rage. To add any fuel to the fire may
cause further damage to this already desperate situation. This can hurt your client, and it can get you
unfairly banned from working in that hospital again. Yes, that’s right, just for standing up for
what’s right. You will be accused of
medically interfering, even though that would be the furthest thing from your
intention. That is a risk you may want to take, and if you do, bless you. This is not a risk I want to take because the
implications are too big. The reality is
that doula work overall will be lost, and if we can’t be there, many others in
the future will not benefit from the care we provide. The relay-ing of the
story by the caregiver who caused the damage will likely include a gross
misrepresentation of what we were doing.
That’s the way Ego rolls. Whose
“word” wins? Not ours.
By now, if
you’ve never experienced this before, you’re wondering what the hell you’ve
signed on for as a doula. How, in this
day and age, can we be so pushed into a corner with our inexpressible Truth,
that the risk of speaking it from our hearts will destroy our careers and rob
future clients of the beauty of our work as most know it to be?
As above,
so below. It is important to put your
experience into perspective. The truth,
and even most medical caregivers will admit this freely, is that in our current
mainstream birth culture, there is a GROSS imbalance between the birthing
woman’s own power, ability, intuition, hopes, dreams, and wishes and Medicine’s
seek to control this unpredictable situation, this “disaster waiting to happen”
that is birth. We all know statistically
that all these protocols designed to keep women and babies safe are prone to
causing more problems than they prevent.
They are problems, yes, that can be mitigated by more application of
birth technology, but problems all the same.
The family’s experience of birth to some caregivers has been deemed to
be not only very low on the check list of “delivery” protocol, but in fact a
matter of much disdain, as if whether or not a family has a “nice experience”
(regardless of whatever comes up) is a matter for the privileged and the
spoiled. Herein lies the wound. So it
makes sense that as you go about your own business doula-ing with your loving
supportive heart, this truth of the implications of this imbalance will be
played out to you in the form of birth story.
Every once
in a while you will see an extreme example of the dangerous results of this
imbalance, embodied in the form of raging Ego that has forgotten its original
noble intention: to work in partnership
with a woman to keep birth safe for her and her baby. In balance, we have the potential for
empowered, thrilled, safe births. We
CAN have the best of both worlds. The
possibility is there. Out of balance, we see the very things we as doulas seek
to help our clients avoid: lasting birth trauma (physical and emotional),
postpartum depression, feelings of being a bad mother, worries about bonding,
maternal guilt, and loss of faith in
one’s body. These feelings are
exacerbated, not healed, by a society whose message, subtle or otherwise is,
“But you had a healthy baby and you’re alive, so stop whining.” These negative stories generate fear,
Medicine responds to that fear with amping up control, and soon we are off into
stratospheres of terror, losing the essence of what birth means to a family as
part of their important tribal story, as a legacy to their future generations.
So let’s go
back to that place again where we talked about you, Doula, standing in the
proverbial corner with your Truth in your throat, powerless to express it. What is your Truth? Why are you here? I know what mine is. A very wise and beloved man asked me to
remember when I found myself in this heinous situation and was caught up in
feelings of powerlessness to ask myself these three things. “What do you stand for?” I stand for peace. I stand for love. I stand for truth. Wherever it can be eked
out, this is the very reason I embarked upon this path of a doula. “Who do you stand for?” I stand for the mothers, fathers, and babies
who need and deserve to have their births infused with love and peace, a
witness to their important family narrative.
“Who do you stand with?” I stand
with those whose intent is to see birth be safe AND peace-filled, no matter how
the birth actually unfolds.
If you
notice, there is no asking of, “Who do you stand against?” To do so is to further division. And it is the division between
control/empowerment, Ego/Truth, us/them that has created this situation of
violence in the first place. So where on
earth do we find our power to carry out our original intent of bringing love
and peace into the vortex of a nightmare?
Embody the
shift in energy you wish to see. This
may sound hokey and weak to some, but I can assure you, this is the most
powerful tool at your disposal in a situation such as this. If you stand for love and peace, step into
that role with everything you’ve got.
Drop the knife of divisive thinking and remember that there is a place
in the heart of everyone in that room who at one point had noble
intentions. Even if not, it is still
important that this child be born into an environment of love, into hands that
are as peaceful as they can be. So, for now,
put down all of your reactions, just put them down, and focus on bringing peace
into the room for the family. For the
healing of he/she who is caught in the violence of their ego. This doesn’t mean just shutting up and
putting up. It means ACTIVELY centering
yourself, opening up your heart, and channeling love into that room with every
breath. You will be amazed at what you might
see happen or the accounts you hear afterwards.
You will be amazed at how you shift from feeling powerless judgment to a
sense of doing something good. Do you
have control over the family being unscathed?
No. But can you lessen the
violence in the moment? You can
try. It’s all you’ve got. You can at least not fuel it further. It
doesn’t guarantee results. But you did
something good. The greatest acts of loving kindness and generosity are being
able to love even when you think there is nothing there left to love. You do what can, remembering “What do I
stand for? Who do I stand for?” “Who do I stand with?” while being unattached
to the results. You never know how they
will translate. And that’s okay.
Doula,
after you have done that work and you return home to rest, you will have your own
process. As a doula teacher, I have
witnessed some of my students be traumatized by some of their experiences. It has taken me a long time to figure out how
to help them deal with it, as I was still healing from my own experiences
without knowing what to do. I had nobody
to turn to while I was learning, and I feel these experiences had a profound
impact upon me. Now I have tools in
which to help doulas protect themselves energetically while these traumas are
unfolding, and ways to help them work through and find meaning and healing from
these experiences. I feel strongly as a
doula teacher, that these skills are basic and necessary (not advanced), and I
do my best to relay them in the doula training program I provide. I also feel it is so important for a doula to
have a community to which she can reach out and find support for these
struggles. It is within this supportive
environment a doula can step into the power of her intention to truly be an
instrument of peace for birthing families.
Together, we move mountains.
Lesley Everest
by MotherWit | May 21, 2013 | Uncategorized
Hi folks,
No, I haven’t gone anywhere. I have been busy doing other writings, and slowly easing back into my life as I get used to being a well person again. I am busy, but not working at the crazy pace I did before I got sick. I will never go back to that pace again. Lesson learned.
Having been on hiatus from birth attending these past months, I’ve had the opportunity to sit back and think a lot. I’ve been thinking about how to define my personal philosophy of birth. Everyone seems to have a slogan, or a mandate, and I’ve been trying to figure out how to put mine into words.
This led me to think of the many schools of thought which exist in relation to birth, and in turn made me think of all the paths of religion there are to come to know and develop oneself in alignment with a divine energy. Birth is a mysterious, powerful, creative, transforming force that works through us. It is studied in every which way, yet the normal process and exactly why it works as it does remains elusive. Why do some perfectly seeming normal combinations of pelvis and Baby end up having a terribly rough time during labour, and why do some women deemed at risk for not being able to birth at all have their babies practically fall out of them? Why do traumas happen? Why do people sometimes even die when nothing seemed wrong? Why do some get to drink from the Holy Grail of birth ecstasy and others don’t, despite having done everything they felt to be the correct way to “worship”?
Birth has its rituals and its magic words. There is the “Finding out of the Sex through Ultrasound” ritual. There is the “Head in the Toilet for Three Months” cloister process some go through. There is the “Baby Shower” and the “Mother Blessing” ceremony. We have the great and powerful “Timing of the Contractions”. There is the “Cutting of the Cord” (many variations of even this ritual). There are affirmations and breathing exercises, akin to the Rosary and prayer beads, as well as mantras uttered in prenatal yoga class. Much is done to call upon the benevolence of Birth, in hopes of being one of the chosen to experience a problem free delivery and the ecstasy of the all mighty oxytocin high.
Birth also has its privations and sacrifices. No sushi. No alcohol. Expanding beyond the boundaries of one’s favourite pair of jeans. Pain. A transformed life. A new identity. The grace of parenthood Birth grants us doesn’t come for free.
Birth has its temples, in the forms of hospitals, birthing centres, and homes. It has its ministers, the doctors nurses, midwives, and doulas who serve as ambassadors of Birth, middle-wo/men, if you will, who assist a woman’s communion with Birth. Birth, obviously, has its initiates; those doing the birthing and those who are birthed. Some prefer a specific place to express Birth, some simply end up worshiping wherever the spirit of Birth takes them, like in a speeding car or the toilet at Tim Horton’s. Initiates also like different types of ministers. Some appreciate a guide to help them interpret the messages from Birth and support their choices on the path to Birth. Others want to be saved, and put their absolute trust into their highly appointed holy wo/man. And there are others who wish to skip the middle wo/man altogether and prefer a direct revelation of Birth, taking the minister-less route.
Birth has its exquisite sacred writings, tomes dedicated to nurturing one’s path on how to know Birth. Many rest their laurels on the Word of Williams, Odent, Frey, England, or Gaskin, finding their sense of rightness and comfort in these holy books.
As with any religion, Birth has its followers, which come in all kinds of forms. There are those who believe without the container of an expensive medical temple and a bevy of appointed holy people, the road to Birth is far too dangerous for the initiate. There are those who will cry from the rooftops the good news that Birth is wonderfully safe, IF you keep the temple and holy people out of the experience and embrace it as a vision quest to be done alone. Some more inter-faith types of folks want a gentle, skilled guide to be present, but not to impose their views, simply to intervene if necessary. They’re not fussy about the temple, trusting things work out for the best however things unfold.
If all feel safe and happy within the tenets of their chosen road to Birth, more power to ’em! I believe we all have the right to our own expression of Birth within whatever context we feel best. It is a human right. Let us celebrate the diversity and richness inherent in our birth cultures, and embrace those who felt moved by their dance with Birth, whatever that looks like to them. May we honour each path for its strengths, knowing that every path, our own included, has its weaknesses too.
As most wars are waged in the name of religion, there are many conflicts about what is the “right” way to give birth. What was intended as a loving framework for guidance can be expressed by some as a fundamentalist view that holds itself above others, and believes that all those who don’t follow its philosophy’s tenets are doomed to experience a Bad Birth (whether they know it or not). There are many threats, parables filled with fire and brimstone, of the dangers of straying from the almighty right philosophy. The fundamentalist Medicalists call the preistesses of Home Birth “witches”. The zealots of Midwifery-ism call the holy wo/men of the Hospitalites “butchers” or even “rapists”. Initiates who have their own personal reasons for eschewing temple and minister are touted as Heathens, reviled as ignorant endanger-ers. If you don’t give birth in a dark room by yourself, your fetal ejection reflex simply cannot let down, and you’ll likely bleed profusely if anyone says a word or farts too loud. If you experience a Cesarean your child will not bond with you properly and your relationship is basically screwed for life. If you have an epidural you are not a worthy warrior, and wrecked your good Birth hormones, besmirching your self and your baby in the eyes of Birth forever. If you don’t have an epidural and Pit you’re a martyr, and are subjected to the suspicion of being more interested in the experience of Birth than the safety of your baby. Threats are deployed, and the environment thickens to ensure the tenets are obeyed. You may be searched for explosives.
As with any war, there are casualties. In this case it is the mothers and babies who are harmed emotionally or even physically, not to mention the collateral damage to the witnesses. Something gets lost when we have shifted from the belief in our birth philosophy as a framework to lovingly support birth’s initiates in a flexible way, to a kind of self-righteous zealotry. What motivates much of the expression of zealotry? The desire to be “right”, to fit everything into a personal scope to the point of not believing what is actually before ones’ eyes, and the deep, Ego assaulting worry that for someone to act outside of our belief system is a threat. Fear, basically. And when fear clouds the love that was meant to be expressed through the tenets of our personal birth philosophies, we potentially cause the very same problems we accuse “the others” of doing. Whether we shoot from the left or from the right, shooting is still dangerous, and the innocent get caught in the crossfire.
Obviously, few are that extreme. Thank goodness for that! But each time we speak badly of another birth philosophy or put down a mother’s experience because it didn’t fit into what we think defines a decent birth, what part of us is speaking? Is it truly out of love and concern for everyone involved, or is it out of fear that our sense of personal righteousness is threatened? Because really, “there are more things in heaven and earth, Horatia, than are dreamt of in your philosophy”.
As for me, I have decided to renounce birth religion all together. Do I have opinions? I surely do. It is the nature of human beings to judge. We need our judgement, as it helps us weed out the helpful presences in our lives to the not so helpful. Our judgment often keeps us safe. There is nothing wrong with discernment. But our judgment is OURS. To project it strongly onto another because we assume they are not on the right birth path is dis-empowering.
We all come to birth innocent and perfect. Every time. No matter what is in our heads. On some level, somewhere, the way we give birth, no matter what the outcome or our feelings about it, is an expression of our magnificence. Birth can be gentle, it can be fierce. Birth can express itself as Kali, Lakshmi, Mary, or Morrighan. While we may have influence, we ultimately have no control. There is no bargaining with Birth. Birth is not some figure who doles out good births to the faithful and crappy ones to those who don’t do things “right”. It is a big crazy power that works through us, leading us into Mystery. And yet we do it. This makes us pretty awesome, no matter how.
So while I have no words for my own personal birth philosophy at this time, I do have words I say to myself before embarking upon a birth journey with anyone. It keeps me clear, and open to whatever unfolds, so that I may support them in their truths, keeping mine to myself. I take out the “Lords” and “Gods” and stuff, but this is the prayer of St. Francis of Assisi:
…, make me an instrument of your peace,Where there is hatred, let me sow love;Where there is injury, pardon;Where there is doubt, faith;Where there is despair, hope;Where there is darkness, light;Where there is sadness, joy.
…..,grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console;to be understood, as to understand;to be loved, as to love.For it is in giving that we receive.It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.
Amen.
