by MotherWit | Aug 12, 2015 | Uncategorized
You have the most amazing baby in the world. You are SO in love with this bundle of joy. Those eyelashes nestled fan-like, ever so delicately upon his face as he sleeps….those little hands…the thigh chub…utter perfection! We know your gratitude knows no limits for this magnificent baby of yours. And, let’s face it:
BABIES ARE UNPROFESSIONAL!
One day on a postpartum visit after a particularly long birth the mother dealt with like a rock star, the dad took me aside. He wanted to be out of earshot of his wife who at that particular moment was cooing animatedly at their little son as he spat sour milk up all over himself, as proud of him as if he had just ended world hunger.
Looking cautiously over his shoulder Dad said, “Don’t get me wrong. We love this baby more than words can express. But he cries a lot. Like, a LOT. We worked really hard to birth him. We feed him, we change him, we hold him, we make stupid faces at him, we talk to him in voices our friends would never let us live down if they heard. We are doing our best to make him happy. We adore him, but between you and me, I think he’s kind of a jerk sometimes. I’m terrible, right?”
I hugged this earnest new papa, so invested in his child’s happiness, willing to wrestle a pride of lions if need be to protect his family. He was feeling so powerless about the reality that there were times he couldn’t elicit smiles and contentment from Junior despite his valiant efforts, and so guilty that he couldn’t help entertaining a negative thought about this precious new life entrusted to him.
“You’re not terrible at all,” I reassured him. “Most parents feel like this at times. Besides, it’s true,” I admitted, having been in the trenches of life with New Baby a few times myself. “Babies CAN be jerks.”
I believe it is important for parents to be able to have the space to express the truth of their frustration once in a while amidst their sweet whispers of undying love. Lectures from those who feel the need to snap people out of their emotional struggle by reminding them how grateful they should be for their babies can serve to create shame around these occasional feelings which, if you check in with most parents, you’ll find are pretty normal.
Babies are born unprofessional at this life business. They aren’t interested in keeping decent hours. They frankly don’t care that you’re exhausted and sporting stitches in unspeakable places on their account. They demand attention in excessively dramatic ways. They are incontinent. As soon as you remove one poop saturated garment to replace it with a fresh one, they explode AGAIN….like tiny little geese. They throw up without apology, and rarely let you get any work done. It is a fine day when you can take a shower AND do a load of dishes.
There will be times when for a moment we are caught up in taking it all just a little bit personally. The sheer magnitude of new parent love can strip us down to emotional brass tacks, exposing the soft underbelly of vulnerability which lies just beneath the thin veneer of “I have my sh*t together.” We can find ourselves feeling irrational in moments of overwhelm, ashamed at our intruding frustration when just moments before we knew with absolute certainty there was never a more holy being on Earth than our very own baby.
There is no need to be so hard on ourselves. It is normal and okay to wonder sometimes if our babies (and older children) are intentionally sabotaging our efforts to be great parents.
If you whisper to me that you secretly think your baby might be a jerk, I’ll meet you in that place with empathy. Go ahead and let off a little steam. Your baby will not be ruined or jinxed because your parental feelings aren’t always pristine. Your gratitude lives within you intact even if you’ve momentarily misplaced it. I also promise not to let you know that I’m barely surviving my third teenager. Because that is a whole other story.
Lesley
MotherWit Doula Care
by MotherWit | Jun 14, 2015 | Uncategorized
It happens to every one of us in our careers where we will feel challenged and triggered by some of the choices a client makes for themselves. How can we continue to serve in the best way possible?
1) Receive
Sit with what your client is saying in a receptive way. It is important you are not attached to having their choices resonate with what you would do in any given situation. Respond in a way that demonstrates you are receiving them. The question “Could you tell me more about that?,” invites your client to express their concerns and feelings, giving you an insight into their experience. Many clients will consider choices that feel radically different from the ones you feel are healthy and empowering. Breathe, and listen. Get out of your head, and drop down into your heart, that place from which the deepest listening space is held. It is only by listening and giving space for their stories to unfold that you can begin to truly understand their needs, responding appropriately and effectively. We have two ears and one mouth for a reason: listen at least twice as much as you speak.
2) Don’t React…RESEARCH!
Imagine what might happen to the conversation if you met your client with a reaction to their potential choices with words such as, “But epidurals can lead to Cesareans or perineal tearing!”, or “Formula feeding isn’t good for your baby!”, or “That is mutilation!”
Doulas understand that fear can impact the birthing/postpartum experience. We must be careful not to contribute to fear with our own reactions. For one, it doesn’t honour our clients. For another, people tend to dig in their heels and stick to their guns in defensiveness if they feel attacked. This shuts down the opportunity to have the good information you have to share received.
Once your client has talked out their decision making process with your support, you can, if they have felt safe enough in your presence to ask for more information, provide evidence based knowledge. A clear understanding of the benefits and risks of any given choice can be helpful in supporting a client in a decision making process, but be careful how you give it. Check in to see if you are being “persuasive” by emphasizing certain benefits or risks according to your own bias. We criticize “the system” for doing this all the time, and must be mindful about not participating in this game ourselves. Direct clients to further resources (evidence based ones) so they can do their own research too. You can refresh your own knowledge as well on the subject, in case any new evidence has come to light you haven’t yet heard.
3) Respect
It is not true that “if people just knew the right information they’d make “healthier” choices”. Health encompasses more than just the body. Sometimes choices are made based upon what clients know is right for them mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and socially. Only they can decide what is best for their and their family’s well-being. Your job is not to “make” them choose the things you think are “right”. It is simply and truly to inform and to support choice.
4) Reflect
If your client’s choice irks you so much that you are challenged in your attempts to give them your respect, honouring the reign of their sovereignty over decision making, it is time to take a look at what is making you take this so personally. Is it possible you identify yourself as successful only if you’ve “made” everyone feel empowered according to your own standards? Are you identifying with and taking on the vulnerability of your client or their baby and want to “save” them, getting caught up in some counter-transference? Is their decision striking a painful chord in your moral/emotional landscape? Is your ego challenged by their not choosing what you’ve outlined? Do you feel “in competition” with their choices? Ask yourself these things gently and lovingly.
There are many examples of why it may be too hard for you to happily and effectively serve a client every once in a while. It happens! You’re human. Don’t be too hard on yourself. All people judge. We can’t help it. Judgement doesn’t make us “bad”. It is what we do with our judgment that demonstrates our character.
5) Renew or Release
If you witness your judgment, identify your triggers (you can talk to your mentor, a counselor, or a doula colleague about this), and find that after some reflection you are indeed able to support your clients’ choices with respect even though it feels tough to you, carry on! Renew your commitment to serve in an unbiased way. If you cannot, that is okay too. We all have areas within that are raw and unyielding. We are all works in progress. Every single one of us.
It is a gift to everyone to be able to own to yourself that you cannot serve these particular clients with the open heart they need to be met with. In this case, release them from your care gently (you don’t have to share with them it’s because you aren’t sympatico with their choices), with referrals to other doulas you trust, and wish them a most beautiful birth experience. You have not failed, you have succeeded in ensuring someone has the best care possible. That in and of itself is good doula-ing.
by MotherWit | Apr 15, 2015 | Uncategorized
There is an old video from Brazil called “Birth in the Squatting Position“. This video, made in the 70’s, got under my skin in a huge way and took my studies, explorations, and ruminations upon birth to a whole new level.
It is not the squatting aspect of the mothers delivering their babies that is so fascinating to me. As a long time doula, I have witnessed many women squat to give birth. I squatted myself (for many hours) to birth my first child, who remained stubbornly face-up (babies normally emerge face-down). What excited me and moved me to a whole new level of appreciation for the team effort between Birth Giver and Baby were the things we do NOT see in this video.
The birth giver and the baby are undisturbed in the second stage of labour. However, they are in a clinical setting, which needs to be clear. This is a medical birthing centre, not just women squatting willy nilly in the woods. I actually LOVE this aspect. It demonstrates the possibility that birth givers and babies can have their cake and eat it too, meaning they can be trusted to do their work together without unnecessary distraction AND have the clinical safety net the majority of families want for those times surprises happens. When disruptions in the normal process are radically minimized, we will likely see an increase in uncomplicated births and a decrease in the births that require a need to get the birth/baby dyad out of a potentially iatrogenic pickle.
So let’s look at what we don’t see:
1) Nobody is telling the birth givers to lie on their backs. The intro to the video states that many of the women this clinic supports are very active, and when they get the opportunity to chill out, they so by squatting. They traditionally birth in the squatting position. So these women are doing what comes naturally, or are at least being guided to do something that is more ergonomic than the medically preferred semi-reclining (or even lithotomy) position.
2) Nobody is coaching them. Now granted, most of these are probably not first time birth givers. Subsequent babies do tend to come out with much greater ease. However, in my doula practice which consists mainly of people having subsequent babies, the surge of “rush” energy rises in the room like a tidal wave, people charge in, and many voices often help them to “remember how to push”. The squatting birth givers in this video have their need for quiet and concentration respected. I have no doubt there are some loving murmers going on that we don’t hear over the flute-y music, but I highly doubt the “push harder…NO..slow down…NO push more” during the crowning/expulsion phase is going on.
Some people give birth in near silence with great focus simply breathing their babies out, and others give a high pitched shriek, often referred to as the “perineal cry”. If things are moving along well, it is probably unnecessary to tell them to do other than they are doing. I have seen many birthers told not to scream, directed to bear down and push through that pain even when it is clear Baby is emerging without a hitch. I wonder if that final shriek often given at the end isn’t a natural way for some of the powerful energy to be dispersed, like steam from a kettle, with the result minimizing the force with which Baby comes through, and perhaps reducing tearing.
3) The birth giver’s genitals and the baby’s emerging head are not touched.
It is not unusual in a hospital to see a lot of perineal and vaginal manipulation throughout the pushing phase. It is most certainly with the kind intention to help. But what we know about stretching things out or fiddling as a default rather than just when there is evidence it is necessary, is that it brings extra blood flow to the area. This means it can potentially make the area thicker. For a perineum to slip as gently over the baby’s emerging head as possible, a thinner quality of tissue is likely more acceptable (Thank you, Gloria Lemay). I wonder, though these things are hard to know for sure, if we would have LESS tearing if there were LESS touching.
I have a feeling Baby is often not happy about having its tender, oh so squished little cranium touched while trying like a little trooper to crawl out of the smallest space they will ever be in. They are working hard. I imagine it could be very distracting for them.
4) The baby is not delivered by anyone but the birth giver.
There are supportive hands available to prevent any bumpy landings, as well as to intervene quickly if necessary, and perhaps to provide a little positioning help if a baby has landed on their face. But given that squatting brings birthing bottoms close to the surface the feet are grounded, a soft place for Baby to land seems to be what’s most needed. Babies do tend to come out, even if there is nobody to “catch” them.
5) Nobody interferes with the birth givers’ instincts.
In a lovely effort to get them participating with the delivery of their babies, many birth givers are encouraged to “touch their baby’s heads” or to “reach down and take their babies”. This is actually a sweet gesture that many people who birth in a highly clinical setting with monitors, strangers, prescribed positions, etc. appreciate. I used to encourage this too….until I realized as I observed (which I get to do, not having to worry about anyone’s clinical safety) that most people appeared shocked and pulled out of the deep space they were in to follow my direction.
There are deep resources and motherwit within that rich inner wold of the birth giver. Brain waves shift. Hormones flow. There is a primordial blueprint. The shrieking (if there is shrieking), or thrown back head, closed eyes and perhaps the clinging tightly to someone or something are not generally signs of terror and disassociation. Rather, they are usually signs that the birth giver is tapping into and riding a massive flow of power.
In this video, we see the women left to their own motherwit, bringing forth life without the external world assuming to know better and exerting pressure upon the experience.
6) and this is my favourite thing of all….nobody hands the birth givers their babies!
The “Birth in the Squatting Position” video suggests, as well as other studies that have observed what humans tend to do on a primal level when left to birth undisturbed, that placing Baby directly upon the chest or abdomen is NOT “natural”. It is done in the name of “immediate skin to skin” if the hospital wants to appear progressive or simply because the bottom of the hospital birthing bed is removed, so right after birth there is nowhere else for the baby to safely go.
This is a very accepted part of our birth culture.
If you observe, though, which I have, as well as having experienced this myself, there is something that happens when someone claims their own baby.
What generally happens, is that the birth giver goes to a peak level of human experience. As has the baby. They are off in realms that are not akin to our normal, every day brain waves. This is a consciousness that cannot quite be described. If they are left undisturbed, they will stay in that space for a little while. I have a belief that in this space, subtle “information” is being downloaded. Genes are being activated. Ancestral memories are being evoked. Neural pathways are being forged. Something is being shaped. It seems like there might be some really important stuff going on that we should probably think twice about messing with.
Watch the women in this video. They take a few deep breaths, slowly coming back to themselves a little. When they are ready, they look kind of sideways at their babies. With one hand first (likely their dominant hand), they touch and stroke one side of the baby (who is to say this type of touching is not part of some kind of important human activating system), and then with the other hand they stroke the other side of the baby. Within a minute or so, these women are not handed their babies to them, they CLAIM THEM, and when they have emerged from wherever it is they went, they emerge with their babies, stepping into their identities as new parents.
When I teach prenatal classes, I let parents know that likely, unless they say otherwise, their babies will be put immediately onto their abdomens or chests. Most of them will likely love it and grasp enthusiastically for their babies. And some will feel shocked. Why? Because they are being pulled prematurely from that important place. If birth givers are not told about this, they sometimes feel guilty, as if they are lacking in parental instinct. They are “supposed” to want their babies plopped onto their chests by an external source. I tell them they are simply demonstrating normal mammalian behaviour. It is perfectly fine for them to wait until they are ready to claim their babies on their own terms (if possible), having the baby supported at their thigh while the cord remains intact, or perhaps handed over to the partner for a few moments. Or…what if…what if…we did nothing at all but wait and have a little trust? But definitely not handed over to someone for weighing and examinations unless necessary.
Not all births unfold in such a way that this way of welcoming Baby is possible. I don’t think it’s something to worry about if it doesn’t happen. Parents have enough pressure for “perfection” on them, and it is not my intention to add further duress. I am simply looking at a wider scope of possibility and wondering what could happen on a biological and cultural level if birth were left to unfold with less ownership from external sources when it comes to “delivery”, “placing” the baby on the parent, or “initiating” skin to skin and seeing how beautifully that dyad usually works together to the beat of internal rhythms. It can totally be done within a highly clinical context if that is important to the parents.
A dream of mine is to see these few precious moments before Birth Giver claims Baby restored to human birth. I want to see it as understood, honoured, and protected as the important concept of skin to skin has been. I am excited to explore the impact this could potentially have upon humanity as a whole. So may it be.
Lesley
by MotherWit | Apr 11, 2015 | Uncategorized
You’re about to give birth in a hospital. Perhaps you’re a bit nervous about how you will be treated, or about what kinds of things the health care providers are going to do with your body while you are in the throes of labour.
As a doula, I attend birth in every setting: from home births, to births in free standing centres run by midwives, to births in hospitals with family doctors or obstetricians. A beautiful birth experience can be had anywhere. In a hospital, however, there can be a seemingly endless sea of unfamiliar people tending to you. Many only know your name by looking at your chart. Fewer have time to get to know what you truly want or don’t want for your birth. This is where your need to use your voice to stand up for your wishes (whenever possible) becomes important.
These are some tips to help you feel like you have some influence within a situation like childbirth, which can be so very unpredictable.
1) Know Who Delivers
This is not about knowing the person who will deliver your baby when it is time. In many hospitals, you will have no control over this, and likely, this person will be a stranger. What it means is knowing who the power of birth giving belongs to.
A prevailing attitude among birth givers in our highly technocratic birth culture is: “Women have been having babies forever, so I’m sure it will be fine. I trust my doctor to get my baby out.”
There is a dangerous discrepancy in this statement. There is the intuition to” trust my body”, but then the responsibility left entirely in the doctor’s hands to “get my baby out”.
Though it is acceptable to say that doctors and midwives deliver babies, if we look more closely at the truth of that, if all is going well, all they really need to do is “catch” or “receive” your baby as you give birth. Most health care providers admit that in a normal birth, aside from a little vigilance, encouragement, and a few reasonably simple safety measures, it is you who does all the work.
After the blood, sweat, and tears of birthing a baby, the glory of delivery belongs to YOU! Nobody can have your baby but you. Step into and deliciously own YOUR power and agency in bringing forth life.
2) Don’t Leave it to Chance
The “whatever happens, happens” attitude towards childbirth does have its benefits in some ways. It is important to be flexible when it comes to giving birth. You can certainly have a goal. Relaxation, a trust in your birthing magnificence, and positivity lend beautifully to the crafting and realization of your birth vision. Sometimes, though, your little passenger within calls some of the shots regardless of your hopes. Finding the balance between your expectations vs the reality of your birth’s unfolding will leave you ready for unpredictability.
Leaving it all up to your hospital care providers and luck, however, can set you up to feel quite discombobulated if you’re not prepared for certain things. You don’t want things to be a shock on the big day, like the reality of the sensations of labour, or the fact that anesthetists (if you want an epidural) aren’t always available when you call them. You also don’t want to miss opportunities to feel more comfortable, and should know that in many places you CAN eat if you’re hungry and NOT lie on the bed if you’re not happy there. Just because you’re led to do something, doesn’t mean you have to do it if you don’t like it. Ultimately, if you don’t know your options, you don’t really have any.
It is so important as a pregnant person to take the time to explore how you would feel most powerful and satisfied giving birth. It doesn’t really matter how, as long as you feel GOOD about it! Envision yourself giving birth. What might you like or not like? What makes you feel better when you are stressed out and in pain? What are your values about giving birth? Do you want to/will your health allow your birth to unfold as normally and naturally as possible, or do you feel like/know pain relief or a Cesarean birth would be an important option for you? So many things to think about!
How do you begin to look at these options?
3) Educate Yourself
Nothing beats good childbirth education which focuses on your empowerment. A prenatal class that spends ample time describing the sensations of labour and how you and your partner (if you have a partner attending your birth) can cope with the experience is an excellent idea. This is important even if you plan on having an epidural early on. Why? Because it is not feasible to expect you can co-opt all your sensations to be relieved by drugs as soon as you want that to happen. Not because you shouldn’t want that if that is your comfort zone, but because in a busy hospital, things don’t always go that way. Many birth givers have to wait much longer than they wanted for their pain relief, some having their babies come before the pain relief got there. Sometimes they receive a desired epidural, only to have it not work as well as they’d hoped. So having a few solid coping skills under your belt can ensure you are able to navigate the sensations of birth no matter how things happen. This can reduce the incidence of shock and birth trauma.
A good childbirth education series should not push any kind of agenda, but be open and inclusive to all your potential choices, informing you of the important things to expect, and how to speak up for yourself.
4) Know Your Rights
Hospital birth givers have rights. Often, you can find these rights published. This is what we have here in Quebec:
Women’s Rights in Pregnancy and Delivery in Quebec
Here are some examples:
a) You have the right to eat and drink as you please in labour.
b) You have the right to be informed of the benefits and risks of all medications and procedures
c) You have the right to informed consent and informed refusal.
d) You have the right to labour and deliver in any position that suits you.
Research the rights in your area!
In the US check out this book “The Rights of Patients” by George J Annas (thanks Jessica Turon!)
5) Use your BRAIN
When making decisions about your care, keep the following in your mind so you can make the best decisions for yourself. It is important BEFORE you give birth to have an idea of what you want or don’t want so self-advocacy is easier, but if you are presented with something you’re not sure about, use the following questions as a guide:
B-What are the BENEFITS of the medication/procedure being offered?
R-What are the RISKS?
A-Are there any ALTERNATIVES to what you’re being offered medically? (example: having a snack and going for a walk up and down stairs to try to move labour along instead of labour augmenting medication…or maybe, you’d just like to have a nap and not have your birth clock monitored)
I-What does your INTUITION say? Your motherwit, meaning your innate, practical intelligence and common sense can be more active than you imagine in labour. What does your gut tell you?
N–NOW? Health care providers are usually open to giving your body a chance to do its thing normally, so don’t be afraid to ask. Also, the word NO is allowed to be said! Even if you choose something the caregivers aren’t fond of, if this is your conviction, you have the right to say NO. “I do not consent.” is a phrase that holds a lot of power.
Parents often worry that a doctor or nurse will walk out of the room and abandon them if they make unpopular choices, but this is not the case. They can be challenged at times by your wanting to labour or push in different positions or refuse an episiotomy, or whatever it is you feel strongly about, it is true. But hey are not allowed to abandon you and leave you without care. Practicing in pregnancy how to deal calmly and effectively with other people’s reactions to your choices can give you confidence. Most often, you will find your caregivers on your side and will be very happy for you if you have the birth experience you were hoping for.
6) Get Your Partner on Board
As many birth givers realize when the heat of labour is on, all of the above gets very difficult to implement because the brain goes from think-y to primal. Even just talking, never mind intellectual discernment, becomes challenging as the waves of contractions sweep you off into the hormone- hazed mind trip that is Active Labour.
Ensuring your support person knows your wishes allows them to do some advocating for you. Nobody can ultimately speak for you in labour, however, they can relay the wishes you communicated to them prenatally, “Pat was wanting a hep lock for the Step B treatment instead of the whole IV setup,” for example, while you’re busy having a minute power snooze between massive contractions. Your partner is generally your strongest ally. Especially if they are one of the child’s parents, they have a say!
Many people create Birth Plans or Birth Preference Sheets to articulate their desires in labour. This can be helpful IF you have the type of hospital in which caregivers have the time to read them. Many don’t. Personally, I have never seen a birth plan make the difference between a good birth and not. Birth Preference Sheets or Birth Plans are more effective as prenatal tools to help you explore your options and clarify your values than something to actually bring to the hospital. They don’t “protect” you from anything. Only using your voice gives you the best shot at that.
7) Hire a Doula
“If a doula were a drug, it would be unethical not to use it.” -John H. Kennell, MD
While a doula cannot and will not assume to speak FOR you in labour, they will respect and uphold your sovereignty as a birth giver. They have spent a fair bit of time with you prenatally, getting to know your hopes and fears, gathering ideas of how to tailor their support techniques to suit your own individual style. They also know what your partner needs to feel safe and supported as they witness you traversing rough and unknown terrain.
If your doula knows, for example, that you expressed a strong desire prenatally to push your baby out in the hands and knees position, and when the time comes you find the nurse turning you onto your back and putting your feet on the pedals, your doula will probably gently ask you, “Are you comfortable like this? Is this how you want to deliver?”
Your doula will not jump in and say to the nurse, “Hey, don’t put my client on her back!” Why? This will create tension in the room in a big way, which is the last thing you need. Your doula will not say, “Let’s get on your hands and knees. That’s how you wanted to be, so let’s get you off your back now.” Why? Because you might have changed your mind. There is a possibility you are actually super comfy the way the nurse is positioning you and find you want to be this way after all. Your doula will not assume.
A question like, “Are you comfortable this way?” gently nudges your hormone besotted mind to remember what you valued prenatally. It is okay if that value has changed, but the doula wants to make sure things are going how you want. The question allows you to say, “Yes, I’m good like this.” or “No, Nurse, this is not what I want.” This is the subtle, elegant way doulas serve as supporters of your self-advocacy, leading you to use your own voice whenever possible.
While experienced doulas are experts in informing, comforting, and supporting a birth giver and their partner/s, they don’t generally claim to offer expert advice. Why? Because their job is to shine a light on your personal power and have you claim your own expertise as the one who makes, carries, births, and parents this baby/ies. Your doula supports your work to step into this power that is already yours, and celebrates you as you own your birth.
Have a strong and wonderful birth!
Lesley Everest
MotherWit Doula Care
www.MotherWit.ca
by MotherWit | Mar 24, 2015 | Uncategorized
I want to take this opportunity to wish all the doulas on the planet a Happy World Doula Week!
When I began this work over 21 years ago, I was a pioneer in my town, forging connections and laying foundations. When I look at the thriving doula communities we have now, knowing there are countless families who have experienced more satisfying births because of the work we doulas do, I am so very proud of us all.
When I grab the Metro home in the early morning after an all night birth, I still look at all the people going to their nine to five jobs and just want to hug them so they can get get a hit of all the yummy, oxytocin laden vibes I’ve just been exposed to. How healing to be allowed to bathe in that energy for a while! I want to thank the Powers That Be for this life….for this path…for this opportunity to serve in such a humble, intimate, yet glorious way!
As I continue to grow and settle into this work, I continue to hold the space for surprise. This keeps me humble. Whenever I think I might just have figured this birth thing out, Birth changes to show me it prefers to be an unsolved Mystery. Every single birth reveals to me a new layer, a subtle nuance of learning. Nothing has taught me more about life than attending Birth (and Death).
While being a doula is an ancient role, it is a reasonably new profession. Like many newer professions, kinks are still being worked out. Do we strive for national standardization? How do we find ways to make our crazy on-call work sustainable for ourselves and our families physically, emotionally, and financially? How do we finally demonstrate to wary medical communities that we are not to be feared and mistrusted, but valued… as we value them? What does certification really mean? How do we honour each approach to this work while ensuring we provide the best service to our clients? There is much to explore. And I am excited about that!
Having the honour and privilege of training doulas around the country, I get to witness them grow into the work and forge their own communities in their unique, beautiful ways. My heart soars, because I know the future of doula work is in good hands. I know we will figure it out. I know our profession will grow, be more accessible to all families who want our services, and more sustainable to those who want to make this work a career. I know doula work will thrive.
How do I know? Because so very many magnificent doula hearts continue to love fiercely, and continue to have hope for a world in which new life can unfurl (whenever possible) in the sweetness of awe….in honour of birth’s sacredness…in a way that quivers with the power of miracle. When beautiful hearts come together with love as the intention, mountains are moved. As Hazrat Inayant Khan said, “With love, even the rocks will open.” And so it is.
I want to shout out to all my doula colleagues, doula sisters, doula students, and the primary health care providers who care for our clients. Thank you. With hands clasped to my heart and head bowed, I thank you.
Most of all, I want to thank the families who have invited me to bear witness to and support your births. I carry you all in my hearts, and am indelibly changed and honed by your precious work. I have grown because of you. I have found healing because of you. I know who I am because of you.
by MotherWit | Oct 11, 2014 | Uncategorized
The season is upon us at MotherWit to embark upon our yearly postpartum doula training events.
I love autumn and winter for these trainings, because it gets us into the energy of hunkering down, lying fallow, resting up, and gathering power. Every new parent needs this sacred time after birth to hibernate a little, and to process the lessons Birth has taught them. After their temporary withdrawal from every day life into the cocoon of the Baby Moon, they can unfurl like flowers in the spring, refreshed, renewed, vibrant, and confident in their new roles.
In “Westernized” societies, new mothers and fathers often eschew the more traditional approaches to postpartum healing, which include about a 40 day period of deep rest, within which the birther (and hopefully their partner/s as well) are fed, massaged and nurtured by older and wiser family members/friends/doulas, as well as kept skin to skin with Baby/ies for the vast majority of the time.
As a doula for over two decades, I do bear witness to the profound benefits to fully stepping into the Baby Moon period with the intention our ancestors supported. Parents seem to emerge from this potentially sweet and intense time having learned about how to tend to their particular baby/ies with a sense of calmness. There seem to be less aches and pains. They tend to have a greater sense of trust in their maternal/paternal decisions. They seem less disturbed by the unpredictable ebb and flow of Baby/ie’s needs.
Sadly, despite the tremendous benefits of taking advantage of the Baby Moon the way Nature seems to have intended, families often feel an incredible amount of pressure to do the opposite. Much of this is fostered by the need to return to work soon after birth. The work of sinking into the exploration of parenthood, rather than the frantic “let’s figure it all out now, and FAST”, is not at all honoured by our driven society which places higher value upon the power of “do”.
New parents are often quite susceptible to this pressure. They often feel that in order to be successful as parents, the house should look like it on the page of a magazine. The parent who birthed should be losing the physical evidence of childbirth (soft tummy, extra padding, sleepiness, baby fog) as soon as humanly possible. Money should be made, meals should be great, date nights arranged, schedules enforced, etc. I get exhausted even thinking about it.
In my guidance of postpartum parents, we take a moment to honour their fears that the choice, if they are able, to sink deliciously into their Baby Moon is not always looked upon favourably. There is often the fear that the very busy can be judgemental of those who do not appear to be very busy.
But let’s look a little more closely at that. It is true media and community support a certain standard of postpartum “achievement” which can be rife with a sense of competition. We often applaud the person who may, for example, be in full hair, makeup, and heels bopping about town with a two day old (instead of offering her a chair and suggesting someone drive her home). We ooh and ahh over the fact she barely looks like she just walked out of the delivery room.. We have to ask ourselves why we personally ascribe to this.
I have been there. Often I still AM there. I have felt immense pressure to buy into the myth that the archetype of SuperMom/Dad is correct, and that to do otherwise denotes my failure as a “thriving” parent. But what I finally asked myself was this: what if I unhook myself from that insane belief system, and realize that the one who exerts the greatest pressure upon me is ME? It is easy to blame media, but what is my part in this? What is the worst that will happen if I take a few weeks after birth giving to simply hang out skin to skin with my baby lying down most of the time, reading, chilling, or taking short walks when I feel like it? What happens if I make no apologies for my soft tummy, for holding court in bed without a shirt on when people visit, not getting up to make them coffee? What if I allow my older kids to watch movies without worrying about their development for a while, and let them go visit relatives for a few days at a time? What if I say “YES” to offers to tidy up the obviously grungy kitchen and to hang diapers outside on the line to dry? What if I commit to being present for all the crazy feelings and thoughts the postpartum period reveals without drowning them in “busy”? What if I tell people right the heck off for encouraging me to smile because I have a healthy baby if I’m having a day that blows? What if I trust the direction I want to take in how I gather information to parent instead of having it preached to me unsolicited?
I had the incredible privilege to think of asking myself these questions, it is true. There are some new parents who are alone and without resources or community and must take care of all the kids and the household, finances, and errands on their own, sometimes in terrible situations. But let us never refer to the Baby Moon as a luxury only for those who can afford it. This dishonours its necessity for all human beings who have just had babies. We must also include in this people who have birthed and do not have their babies. A period of healing and grieving loss is necessary for them. Parents who have new babies but who have not given birth also need time to adjust and get to know their child/ren. Instead of “luxury”, let us think of the Baby Moon more as an important healing option for those who want/need it, What if there were a way we could work together to provide support to anyone who has just birthed/ received a child so they may get some hits of Baby Moon, even if it is only for a couple of hours at a time.? What if we invested in providing this support to our newly birthed citizens and their parents? What would we look like as a society if this were considered of universal importance?
You know what happened when I took the plunge and chose to take my Baby Moon? The sky did not fall. In fact, I felt more thoroughly integrated, rested, and healed than I ever had with my first three children. I felt more connected to my needs. At one point I went for a walk, and went farther than my body wanted to go. I tuned into the deep calling my body gave me to get back to my nest a little late, and really felt how beat I was after ignoring myself. When we give the time and space for Body to teach us, we absorb its lessons more readily. I learned many things during that exquisite Baby Moon, lessons which inspired me to encourage others to try taking their own Baby Moons, in whatever capacity they could, if they expressed the longing to do so.
Now I have the honour of training postpartum doulas, who are the keepers of the Baby Moon. Even if parents do not want to take up this tradition in its entirety, the postpartum doula brings in an infusion of energy, a voice of support, and a whisper of encouragement to trust one’s motherwit in the storm of postpartum recovery in a way that speaks to their unique needs. Postpartum doulas listen, anticipate needs, gather information about what will bring the most energy to flagging parents (processing a hard birth, sleep, some tidying, baby tending lessons, feeding support,resource giving), and get the job done. We do this so the family has what they need to do their most important postpartum work, which is to bond with their new arrival/s, in whatever way they feel is best for them. Sometimes a family who did not have a Baby Moon and is feeling the repercussions many months later seek out help, We can also offer them nurturing support to recreate that sacred space, if only for a few hours at a time.
Many families wouldn’t give birth without a doula. With the prevalence of postpartum depression, anxiety, burnout, and confusion, families are realizing the deep need to carve out a nest during their postpartum periods, relying on doulas to support them in this goal. If this role speaks to your heart, join us!
Our next MotherWit Holistic Postpartum Doula Trainings are in Montreal (November 6th to 9th) and Toronto (November 13th to 16th). If you are interested in an information/application package, email us at info@motherwit.ca
