by MotherWit | Dec 9, 2009 | Uncategorized
Hello New Parents and Parents-to-Be!
You are cordially invited to a gathering hosted by the MotherWit Doulas! Whether you are just trying to figure out whether or not doula care is right for you, want to show off your new babies, or reconnect with friends you made at our last Doula Soiree, you are most welcome!
Come to find out what it means to have a doula at your birth, share and hear birth stories, and have a cup of tea! Come to connect with your community, and find out what resources are available to you.
We look forward to seeing you on:
Wednesday, December 16th, 2009
The Green Centre
1090 Avenue Greene, Westmount
from 8 to 9:30pm
MotherWit, in the spirit of the holidays, would like us all to remember those less fortunate than we are. Montreal Birth Companions (www.montrealbirthcompanions.homestead.com) is an organization which provides volunteer doula services to women of need. These mothers to be are often refugees, with no family to support them. Montreal Birth Companions also provides training to women of many of Montreal’s diverse ethnic communities. Any way you can help this very important service continue would be most welcome. If you would like to make a monetary donation, we can provide receipts. Packs of diapers, new baby clothes items (warm things for this season), receiving blankets, etc. are also all welcome. We just ask that formula not be donated, as we believe breastfeeding promotes optimal health.
If you cannot make it to this meeting, know we will be back in January
by MotherWit | Dec 9, 2009 | Uncategorized
It has not been a good day… not full of birth magic and awe. It is the type of day where being a doula weighs quite heavily on me and my family. I made an appointment, went over, only to find the mother was sleeping and had forgotten, and there was no way I was going to wake her up. I will need to reschedule, but man, I have already spent around 60 hours on this case! I could have stayed home instead. This non meeting cost me a few precious hours of my life.
My little girl claimed she believed I like my clients better than I like her. My 4 year old is acting out, clearly because he is wanting more mommy attention than he’s been getting. My husband is a great man, but even he gets tired sometimes holding down the fort. I miss my friends, I miss exercising, I miss my sister, who is visting from England and I barely have time for.
It is not always hearts and flowers every day. But the antidote to the blues is to find some gratitude, so I’ll dig for some. I am grateful my last client due before Christmas gave birth a little early so I am not technically on call, except for a mother expecting twins, who will probably go early. I am remembering one of the most important births I have ever attended, important to a profound healing of the web of women’s faith surrounding birth, which has been eroded over years by fear. A year ago, my dear friend was in the throes of labour with her third child, working towards a VBAC after 2 previous C-sections. It was a hero’s journey in a way I can’t even begin to describe. My little buddy Iggy was not born until December 10th, but out he came the vagina way, and taught me a lot about how the healing that occurs in birth can extend beyond just the woman who birthed and the people who were there. Some births CHANGE things, as this birth has on suble levels. So gratitude to Iggy and his beautiful parents, midwives, doctors, nurses, and aunties.
I am grateful for a warm home, good food, and a pretty Christmas tree. I am grateful for good friends who love me in spite of my terrible lack of being able to hang with them much. I am grateful to not have to sleep by my phone tonight.
Love to all,
Lesley
by MotherWit | Dec 8, 2009 | Uncategorized
I hope you all had a wonderful weekend. I’m wondering if any of you doulas or midwives have experience this phenomenon…the-labour-lasting-forever-even-sometimes-ending-in-section-because-woman-has-no-privacy phenomenon.
Ina May hits the nail on the head when she talks about sphincter laws…how can one progress when one is feeling imposed upon by others, even just energetically? If you’re trying to go to the bathroom or make love, and there are people outside…not even in the room watching you, but outside knowing what you’re up to, you kinda lose your mojo, know what I mean? Our sphincters are sensitive to scrutiny (say that 5 times fast), and the cervical “sphincter” is no different.
I meet all kinds of wonderful and fascinating people who come to births to help out their daughters/sisters/friends who are labouring. When these people are beloved by the mother to be, AND are truly wanted in the room for their support, AND are sensitive to the needs of the woman and her partner by being quiet when necessary and hands on when requested, things most often go GREAT! We all have a nice time, the birth goes well, the baby is born into a web of even more love.
Now sometimes I meet wonderful and fascinating people who are not actually wanted in the room for most of the labour. They are usually lovely, well meaning people who want to support the woman from afar by waiting in the waiting room, to pop in now and again to say “hi”, and to come in after the baby is born. This rarely goes well. It may be the expecting parents don’t realize that good labour is not really about chatting and hanging out excitedly and so have the idea it’s a social event. And the people, as truly lovely as most of them are, probably don’t understand that by lending their occasional popping in support, they distract the mother from her important work when they ask, “how are you? what can I do?” Mothers- to- be are sensitive individuals. They worry about their perhaps bored siblings out in the waiting room, or maybe about their elderly father, who, like a trooper, is camped out all night in an uncomfortable hospital chair, eating yucky hospital food. I can give proof from my little books of labour notes, that this situation makes labour llloooonnnngggg. Or, at least. longer than necessary. When I look at my ladies who take epidurals, many of them do so when there are people in the waiting room. I usually suggest people tell their families to come several hours after the birth, but there is the sense that it is something that is so exciting, that it should be shared from moment one. I understand this, I truly do. A baby is a blessing, and to hear the first cry a gift. But not if it is at the expense of the process of getting the baby out.
Now how about a waiting room with not so nice people, or mostly really nice people but one or two not so nice people thrown in the mix? Or, perhaps they are really nice people, but they are not actually people the mother or father want at the hospital. I see this from time to time, unfortunately. I have seen every politically charged family situation you can imagine. There are the lovely people who the mother-to-be is humouring by inviting, because she doesn’t feel like it would be right to have Auntie Pam be in the waiting room over Auntie Meg, so Auntie Pam is just kind of there as a courtesy. Then there is the mother-in-law situation, which is when the paternal grandmother is kind of invited because she’s the grandmother too, but whom the expecting mom isn’t really thrilled to have around.
Then we switch from the lovely people to the overbearing ones, whom the mother invites because to not do so, would be to invoke World War Three. I have even had a few situations where the people are explicitly told not to come, that they will be called when the baby is born, and to stay at home, and then just show up anyway because they don’t know what else to do with themselves and are too excited. The worst, is when the person who sweeps in has some serious ego issues, and pulls dramas and sulks that they weren’t invited, and comes into the room anyway even when they are told to stay out. Sometimes, some people just expect to be involved, whether the expecting parents want that or not. This is not help and support, obviously, it is ego serving and an expectation to be included in a private event as if it is their right.
I try to keep the peace as much as possible. If the mom is relaxed and really happy to see the unexpected person and labour doesn’t get hung up, fine. If contractions stop, which they usually do, or at least slow down, I try to negotiate space for her. I have to be the bad guy sometimes, going out into a hallway full of wellwishers to say, ” the couple is SO happy you love them so much and are so supportive, but they’d really be happier if they knew you were comfortable in your own beds.” Most of the time, the people go, leaving some nice food for the parents or with lots of encouraging words, and that’s the end of it. But there have been times I have witnessed the grossest acts of disrespect you can imagine, like my asking them to please leave, and being met with absolute hostility towards myself and the labouring parents for having the audacity to not relish their presence. I remember one beautiful labouring mom, having a hard, long, painful labour with a hallway full of very demanding in laws. The sweet father was busy supporting the mum, and was having a hard time standing up to them all. The mom finally said, “I FEEL them out there, and I know it’s hurting my progress.” A doctor finally had to shoo them away with threats of security, and I kid you not, that lady dilated to fully not 15 minutes after the last straggler left.
But some don’t leave. I am sad to say this, but in situations where there is not ease with the relations who are waiting “out there” somewhere, and especially with the ones who flounce into the room uninvited because they think they’re so important it is their right to participate, the C-section rate is high. I have even heard a couple of doctors mirror this observation. The epidural rate is over 50% in this situation, and C-section potential doubles for first time moms. Just from having extra vibes around, the labour can change…when the vibes are well meaning it is still usually a harder labour with request for pain relief, but when they’re not nice, it is positively detrimental. When I get to the hospital and know this birth is going to “waited for”, I call my husband and tell him I won’t see him ’til tomorrow at the earliest.
It’s challenging for doulas too, because we bust our asses doing our job. So to emerge from the birthing room to have a pee or a quiet moment in which to think about our next move, and to be met with faces ranging from the sweet to the hostile, asking for/demanding information and updates, there is no breathing space. Sometimes I want to whine and complain and vent to a fellow doula on the phone about frustrations or get some fresh ideas, but I can’t because there’s someone wanting to chat. It’s not that I don’t like chatting, truly I do. But maybe not at 3 am when I’ve been there since 3am yesterday, and I’m suspecting the reason the labour is taking so long is because of the one engaging me in the chat.
I try to educate my clients on the importance of not having stragglers about, only true chosen support people. But if they don’t agree or get a look of horror on their faces when I suggest this, there’s nothing I can do but my job. I stay centred and try not to put my projections into it, because, after all, what do I truly know? But I’m hoping there are some moms- to- be reading this and are re-thinking their support strategies, or perhaps some people who are really attached to being in a waiting room who are changing their minds, or maybe a doula or two who are also making connections between long, medicated births and Peanut Galleries.
After all, those people weren’t around when the baby was being made, right? Neither was I, but I know how to skillfully flow with that sexual energy of labour, and am an honoured guest into that inner sanctum. My presence, for the most part, will not hinder labour, and if it did, I’d get out of Dodge fast. If I see Mom’s labour stalling, I usually go for a coffee and come back to see a little intimacy with her partner has made the labour escalate, and she gives birth not long after.
I would love to hear if anyone has similar experiences!
by MotherWit | Dec 5, 2009 | Uncategorized
I get asked all the time why I’ve decided to just stay a doula instead of pursue a career in midwifery. I get asked this as if doula work is only a stepping stone to something better, or as if there is greater glory in becoming a baby catcher. But the truth is, I love being a doula. I have witnessed hundreds of births in the last 16 years, almost all of them from a completely non-clinical perspective. This gives me a lot of freedom to develop a unique set of observational skills not many have.
I used to want to be a midwife. I did study midwifery with near religious fervor, forming and working hard in study groups, helping midwives at friends’ birthings, taking skills workshops with midwives, and my doula training, which was actually a midwifery assistant’s training at the time….not anything DONA would have approved of, that’s for sure. I wanted to get some doula skills under my belt, and thought the opportunity to get to more births, even in the hospital, would provide the stepping stones I needed to advance my midwifery studies. Meanwhile, I researched study options in England and the Netherlands, though with a growing family and university options not being very supportive of mothers with young, tandem nursing children nor International moves being affordable, I wasn’t sure what to do.
I am an absolute supporter of home birth. 3 of my 4 babies were born at home, one unassisted, and one with a family doctor and midwife at a hospital, because he was on the early side, and the labour was difficult. I was only there for a couple hours before he was born naturally. For any woman who seems like she would be open to it, I suggest she explore home birth as a potential option. I love going to home births and births at midwife run birthing centres, as they give me little hits of sanity and nurture my mental health.
So why do I stick with a mostly hospital birth doula practice when my roots are in home birth and aspiring midwifery?
This is why: I was a doula about 11 years ago for an amazing single mom. Her husband had walked out on her after a 10 year relationship because the pregnancy was unplanned and he was not ready to be a father. He blamed her for keeping the pregnancy, which was very much wanted by her. So he left when she was about 8 or 8.5 months along. She wasn’t from my town (or country, for that matter), and her family wasn’t around. She really didn’t have anyone to talk to or to grieve with, so I gave her everything I could in terms of emotional support, making sure she had what she needed to give birth. She was a tough lady. Her waters broke quite awhile before labour started, and she decided to go to the hospital because that’s what her doctor told her to do. We went, and she quickly went into normal labour. But not quickly enough for her doctor, who basically threatened her with the possible death of her baby if she did not receive Synto (Pit for you Americans). She realized what kind of fear mongering was possible, and decided to do her own thing. The long and short of it was that she had a natural birth, even though the father showed up at the hospital, claiming his right to be there because it was his baby!!!!!
After she birthed her boy, she began bleeding dangerously. All the staff in the room jumped in to get it under control, even the nice nurse who was helping with a lot of labour support. Everyone had to get really clinical, really fast, and that was a good thing, because their work prevented a bleed that could have left her extremely weak for a long time, which is not a great situation for early motherhood, especially when you don’t have a lot of help. Anyway, while everyone was on the business end of her, she and I were head to head, me standing, her in the bed, adoring her beautiful new son in his first moments of life. Instead of putting my interest into the clinical management of postpartum haemorrhage, I just hung out with her, witnessing this precious moment with her. She turned to me, her eyes shining like I have never seen eyes shine before. They were full of a love that was positively holy. “Oh, I love him…I LOVE him!” she whispered in the most awestruck voice. And then it hit me with absolute clarity…THIS was the role I wanted to play in birth. Had I not been available to tenderly hold this new mother’s moment of glory because I was managing her bleeding, the utterance of those sacred words of the purest love and the look in those eyes would have gone unheard and unseen. And that would have been very sad, because after all she had been through, the connection to another being who understood the depth of those feelings and all she had gone through to get there, provided her with healing.
Do I wish way more women felt safe enough and had enough faith in their bodies to give birth in a non medical environment? Sure! Does it make it so just because I wish it? NO! Look, the truth is that the vast majority of North American women feel safest in a hospital to give birth, willing to accept the intervention-heavy environment for the sense of security medical professionals and equipment provide, whether that’s always true or not. So if this is the place most women are birthing, this is where I want to be. I want to provide continuity of care when shifts change. I want to create a sense of trust in her body, and buffer the environment for her which always seeks to draw her out of her focus and use her spaces for their need for information. Where care is clinical, I want to provide nurturing, to the mother, her partner, and the baby. Both roles, the clinical and the nurturing, are important to the potential for the happiest outcome.
I’ve let go of my midwifery calling. Midwives are doing a fabulous job providing loving, nurturing clinical care to those ladies who choose to birth with them, and I am so grateful for them. So I continue to focus on creating gentler births for those who choose the hospital, as every mom, partner, and baby need to feel like someone is aware of and willing to meet their emotional needs. Because I spend so much time prenatally building rapport with my clients, I understand what they want, what they’re afraid of, what traumas they have, how they perceive stress and pain. I can make them feel secure in knowing their needs for comfort will be met. So this way, they truly feel they have the best of both worlds: good clinical care, and constant, familiar, nurturing, hands- on support.
Having a natural birth in a hospital is very difficult. I try to make it a bit easier. And I think it works. In my neck of the woods, the epidural rate is 98% for first time mothers. For my clients, it is less than 50% total, and this includes people who knew they wanted one, people who had complications (I include a really stressful environment we really couldn’t manage a complication), etc. For those women who were dedicated to having a natural birth and had normal births, that rate goes down to 10%.
A good doula, one who knows how to use respect and diplomacy in the hospital, will make a difference. She not only supports the couple, but the staff feel relaxed and supported as well. We know we can’t interfere with the way things are run…it’s a big system, and trying to approach it in a Quixotic way will only do more harm to the ladies in our care than good… but we can draw compassion from those who run it, with kindness, diplomacy, and non-judgment, which helps create an atmosphere more conducive to birthing normally. Respect is our most valueable Medicine in that environment.
A midwife I know once told me I am humble for doing the job I do. But I don’t feel that way, as it implies I’m maybe just sucking up doing something yucky. I just feel honoured. If a lady barfs all over herself in labour, it truly makes me feel good to help clean her up and make her more comfortable. Making sure she feels no shame about it is so important, and to me that’s very honourable work. When my friend Nat, who just gave birth a year ago, is getting ready to go outside and her baby Iggy is in a sling close to her body, I’ll put her shoes on for her so she doesn’t have to bend over uncomfortably. This is what everyone should do for mothers. I don’t feel like a “servant”, I feel like I’m helping mothers save their energy for the important work of nurturing their babies. The doulas I know don’t see themselves as beneath anybody because we wipe bums or shlep suitcases for couples checking into the hospital to give birth. We feel really great about what we do. When it’s 6am and I’m coming home from a birth on the Metro and I see everyone going to their jobs, I am so thankful for what I do, as I witness the beginning of life…the life of a person, the life of a new family, who are thriving in part because of my care for them. I feel like a rock star.
Have a wonderful weekend, Gentle Readers. I’ll be back next week.
by MotherWit | Dec 3, 2009 | Uncategorized
Tonight is officially the full moon. I took my girl dog Lola and my younger daughter down to the lake this evening to bask in Grandmother Moon’s rays. It is a lovely moon tonight…powerful, but softly benevolent, wrapped in some gauzy clouds.
Today has bestowed some special blessings. A couple I am working with has discovered that the twins the birthing mother is carrying are NOT afflicted with a chromosomal problem it was thought might cause severe problems. This is SUCH a relief for this couple. It has been so hard to embrace their pregnancy with joy, as much as they have worked on staying present, grateful for this pregnancy. I am so happy for them. They are an unbelievably warm, loving couple whom I know are going to be exceptional mothers. Their home is woven with their honour and respect for each other…a beautiful environment in which to nurture a child.
I was also blessed today with the healing of a challenge in a relationship that is very important to me. There is such a wave of peace that surges in when the conflict and the feelings surrounding it are released, and the road is paved for an even stronger relationship. I feel like a ton of weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I like to take the time of the Full Moon to count my blessings. I also think it is okay to be a little more personal in this blog at this time. I am grateful for my family…my sons and daughters, and my husband, as well as my mother, sisters, father, stepfather, and grandmother..the list goes on, you get the drift. I am grateful for dear friends, for my health, home, and abundance. I am grateful to be living my calling, and that I am humble enough to know there is always so much more room to learn and grow. I am grateful for the gifts that help me do my job to the best of my ability. I am grateful for the motivation to remember to be thankful to Grandmothers on the other side, whom I know give me guidance when I need.
I am grateful for you, too. Tonight, maybe light a candle and say some words of gratitude for what you have, no matter how hard things may be for you. As you blow out the candle, imagine those heartfelt thoughts going up up up to the moon, honouring Her for the pull she has on your own inner tides, whether you are aware of them or not.
Blessings to all.
by MotherWit | Dec 2, 2009 | Uncategorized
Interesting article from Midwifery Today about community birthing in a Jamaican hospital.
http://www.midwiferytoday.com/articles/community.asp
