by MotherWit | Feb 15, 2010 | Uncategorized
It is not my business to tell someone how they should have a baby. If someone comes to me saying they are hellbent upon an epidural the second they go into labour, I figure I have some work ahead of me to outline the risks, and to help build up her confidence so she feels that “going natural” is something normal and healthy, not just for those “other” ladies with the unshaved armpits and granola crumbs in their braids. Or those ladies who have high pain thresholds. Or those ladies who have really fast births. Or those ladies who are brave. If she hears my shpiel and still makes the choice to use pain relief, I’ve signed up to support. I’m still invested in her having a great time and feeling good about herself. I want her to be a triumphant, happy mother. My sour puss about not having “sold” someone on the benefits and joys of physiological birth is not going to help anyone.
I do, however, make it very clear to women choosing an epidural that learning some tools to help them cope with the sensations of labour is crucial. Why, if they plan on eradicating the pain? Well, as birth workers know, the Epidural Fairy doesn’t just magically appear and wave a Pain Relief wand the second a lady feels like it’s time to bite the bullet. Here are some things to consider:
1)What if you are experiencing an escalating intensity of your labour pain, and the person doing epidurals that day has to attend 2 C-sections in a row at the same time you’re wanting your pain managed? This might mean a wait of 3 hours before pain relief is available, whether or not you’ve decided to “order” your epidural the minute you get into the hospital. Things arise beyond our control, and sometimes you won’t get what you want when you want it. True, this is not a fair scenario to someone really invested in obtaining relief, but there you go. It happens. I have seen it. It’s not too uncommon. Your baby could conceivably be born before you receive the epidural.
2)What if you get an epidural and…….it doesn’t work? It happens.
3)What if you get an epidural and it’s really “patchy”, meaning you’re numb everywhere except for a 2cm area on your lower abdomen, which feels ALL the sensation of labour? Yikes, to me this would be far worse than feeling it the way it’s supposed to be felt.
Now just to reassure those readers who might be really gung ho about the epidural, these things don’t happen too often. Normally, you get the epidural in due time and it relieves the pain fine. I don’t want you to be freaked out. What I do want, is for you to be aware.
The above scenarios bring up an important issue: How wise is it to depend entirely upon external influences to cope with the sensation part of the birth experience? Where does your real power lie, in your own abilities, or in your expectation of a series of circumstances you take for granted will happen according to plan? What if you give birth during a really busy day at the hospital? What if your labour goes so fast you birth in the car? How are you going to deal? I want you to be able to cope just great, even if it’s not something you want to do. Knowing how only increases your personal power, giving you access to greater possibilities. Even if you get the epidural right when you want and you don’t have to experience any pain, having pain/stress management techniques to use in your life is never a bad thing.
Believing the epidural safety net is going to be available upon reaching the hospital in labour can lull one into a false sense of security. This may make a couple feel like there is no need to prepare. Most standard hospital prenatal classes don’t focus on managing the sensations of labour. In fact, a lot of the classes in my neck of the woods hardly mention dealing with pain, never mind actively preparing couples for these strong birthing waves, yet will spent literally 2 hours on a lecture on anaesthesia. Without some kind of preparation for labour, mixed in with the expectation pain WILL be controlled when the woman feels it’s time to request pain relief, a couple may be setting themselves up for trauma. They may feel afterwards that the sensations were the most terrible things in the world, that it is barbaric to give birth naturally, and that no woman should have to be subjected to that kind of evil.
Yet, it is NOT the sensation itself which is traumatizing. It is the BELIEF you wouldn’t or shouldn’t have to experience it which is at the root of the trauma. These expectations of pain relief can make you fight the sensations the entire way in anger, stress, and frustration at having to go through them at all, focusing all your energy on getting that epidural NOW, instead of relaxing, letting go, breathing into them, and allowing them to do their important job. Your partner may not have any clue how to handle you feeling the real pain extreme stress in labour can cause, and may be terribly anxious himself. The birth of your baby has the potential to be coloured by memories of terror and helplessness. It doesn’t have to be this way.
So sure, if an epidural is the right choice for your birth experience, embrace it and own it. But have a backup plan. Even with epidural, labour is not rendered sensationless. At the very least, practice deep abdominal breathing and releasing tension from your body. You CAN meet these normal sensations with confidence. Know deeply in your heart that even though what you are experiencing is pain, it is not the kind that will damage you. It is simply a pain with great purpose, a strong intense sensation that will ultimately, if things are going normally, bring your baby to you whether the epidural arrives on time or not. You can do it!
by MotherWit | Feb 15, 2010 | Uncategorized
I am such a huge sap. Aside from all the political crap involved with the Olympics, I have to say I am a sucker for medal ceremonies. When an athlete who has done his/her best, knowing ultimately there was no control over the outcome, stands on the podium to represent a nation, I am moved to tears. I guess it’s because it reminds me of how I felt taking my babies into my arms after I birthed them. I wanted to call the presses. I wanted to let everyone know how amazing I was. I was in the presence of Glory. Glory means “a state of high honour” and “brilliant radiant beauty”. It is a great blessing be able to receive those life sustaining hits of it now and again, and how lovely of Birth to grant many of us this opportunity.
Glory is a perfect springboard from which to launch into mothering and fathering. May everyone start her/his life as a parent in Glory, no matter the process. May all babies bask in Glory at the moment of their birthings. May all of us who work with birth strive to protect the experience of Glory.
by MotherWit | Feb 14, 2010 | Uncategorized
May all of you get some special TLC today. I went out with my husband last night for dinner, and we saw Avatar…which was a pretty spectacular cinematographic experience. Today I am going to make a nice dinner, cheer for some Canadian athletes, and make a heart shaped cake with pink icing. Enjoy the simple things.
Love, hearts, and flowers,
Lesley
by MotherWit | Feb 13, 2010 | Uncategorized
I had a great conversation with an awesome lady yesterday who inspired me to share this quote with you from Dr. Gayle Peterson, one of my favourite writers on preparing for birth and motherhood holistcally: “Becoming a mother does not need to rob you of your selfhood. Stay away from martyrdom. Martyrs never make good mothers; what is gained in giving is taken away in guilt.”
This lady of whom I speak told me she was “self-centred” and “selfish” because she did not want to be the type of mom who sublimated all her personal needs for the sake of her child. She said she planned on enlisting help early on in order to dedicate a portion of her day to her self development and her craft. My reaction? You go, Sister! She has a wonderful, hands-on partner who will support her in this plan, and I think this will lend very well to creating a well-balanced, well-nourished mother. A woman who feels good about herself and her accomplishments brings this self confidence to her mothering. She has more perspective, and can bring greater patience and presence to her mothering too.
Contrast this to a mother who has lost herself entirely to her child with the misguided idea that total sacrifice equals better mothering. Many women of my generation were raised by mothers who believed this, who believed that to have a lot of help or pursue interests intensively outside of mothering was either selfish (in a bad way), or just not considered as an option.
I myself have been accused of being self indulgent for insisting upon continuing my education throughout early motherhood, even though my studies were set up in a way that were gentle to my children. I studied to be a La Leche League Leader, and League involves children, so there was no separation from my babies/toddlers. As I was studying other healing modalities, I set it up in ways that I could come home easily when needed, and the kids were with my husband. My husband would bring nursing toddlers to the hospital in the evenings if I was at births (I didn’t attend nearly as many births back then as I do now). I was home the majority of the time. So what my house being clean wasn’t my priority? So I took time to visit my therapist to help me go inside and get a stronger sense of self? It took many years to work through the guilt my refusal to be a martyr mother caused, because it has been ingrained in me for many generations. I insisted upon the support of my husband. I refused to believe that men “babysit” their children or deserve Scooby Snacks and pats on the head for changing a diaper on occasion. I didn’t feel playing the role of “Laundry Fairy” was acceptable, or that it was mandatory to provide hot meals when the man came home if I had had a particularly challenging day with our homeschooled children. For these things, I was “self-indulgent”. “Not very nurturing”, even. (These critiques were not from my husband, by the way).
Even with my fighting against this model of mothering and working hard to establish myself the way I wanted to, I still made tremendous sacrifice to be the mother I wanted to be. But it was with joy. I have loved being a mother. It has shaped everything about my life in such a positive way. I have homebirthed, tandem nursed, done child-led weaning, homeschooled…all with raging against martyrdom, not allowing myself to be lost in this intense whirlwind of demands upon my time, my thoughts, and my body. My studies kept my soul alive! I needed them in order to be the best I could, not to take away from my children, as others might have interpreted. I am a horrendous housekeeper, it is true, which is not considered something at all to be proud of by previous generations who believed a clean, orderly house was mandatory to provide a good home. I had a lot of shame about my housekeeping abilities, considering I come from a line of Dutch (which means scary good) housekeepers.
My mom seemed to really dig being at home, cleaning, cooking, and being a mother. She was always pretty calm and content with her role, and brought a lot of love to it. Perhaps it was she who inspired me to make sure I was happy in my role of mother. She’s always been pretty supportive of my choices, and even if she may not have always agreed with them, had the respect to let me figure things out for myself. It’s because of her presence I learned the immense value of having a mother present throughout my formative years. I wanted my kids to have me at home as much as possible, AND wanted to be fulfilled by more than that. Part of me thought that was asking too much, but I still did it anyway.
Even though I struggled against martyrdom, the archetype of Martyr Mamma still had her claws deeply embedded in my psyche. I would resent and judge women who had maids, or whose children got to go every couple of weekends to their grandparents’ houses so the parents could go out together on occasion. I resented those who would allow themselves the “luxury” of emotional breakdown when things got “too hard”, and would not feel support for them, but disdain. For these things I am so deeply sorry. At the same time I was trying to shed this image, part of me was still entrenched, and didn’t even see it. I was judging those who had some fun in their lives outside of mothering and studying as “self-indulgent”, just like those who judged me for doing my simple things to tend to my soul. I felt this bare minium I did should be enough, and that any more was most certainly being a terrible, selfish mother. For those thoughts, I feel so profoundly sorry, as all that served to do was perpetrate the model of motherhood I strove to change for myself, my friends, and for my clients.
A lot of time has passed since then, and I no longer feel that way about my fellow mamas. Okay, I think there CAN most certainly be an extreme of selfishness, just as there can be of martyrdom….I’m not saying that doesn’t exist. But now when I hear a mother has a maid to help her keep on top of the chaos of a house full of kids, a husband who does all the dishes after dinner and gives her an hour to take a bubblebath and read a novel in the evenings, I am SO happy for her, and wish I had done that long ago instead of thinking a messy house was some sort of cross my martyr self had to bear to show the world my imperfection, proof of my inability to do it “all”. On another level, I think it was also my rebel self’s way of saying, “hey, screw you all! My home is a wreck because you are all neurotic! I am self fulfilled!” But all a totally chaotic mess makes you do after awhile is suffer, so nothing good was gleaned from either attitude. Shouldda gotten help.
Martyr Mother still exists, sometimes just as a ghostly image, but sometimes full throttle. She still thrives in our generation of new mothers. Very often I will show up to a woman’s house postpartum, her housekeeper dusting the shelves, a diaper service picking up a load of stinky nappies, a grandmother out in the park with a toddler, and the mother will look at me shamefacedly, saying, “I know….I’m spoiled.” I will be quick to tell her, “No. You need and deserve this support,” in an attempt to lessen the temptation for her to be wooed by the pull of Martyr Mom lurking forlornly in the shadows. We used to live tribally, after all. It was never one woman at home most of the day with a kid or more, holding down the entire fort. And now women are still sort of expected to maintain this June Cleaver role, as WELL as look “toned”, be sexual, make money, and have a thriving social live. While partners are generally much more hands on now than they were in the past, it is still not enough help. No wonder so many parents, especially moms, are living their lives as depressed, exhausted, sexless zombies who feel like they will never measure up to all of those overwhelming expectations. This is a very sad image for someone who has the most important job in the world. Parents should be happy and gentle with themselves, understanding those societal expectations are impossible, therefore not worth all the guilt in not achieving them all.
For baby showers, consider putting down the designer baby duds and getting your pregnant friend a certificate for a massage. Chipping in and buying her maid service for a few weeks would be a great idea. Having a food chain is such a helpful way to ease a woman into new motherhood. This is a fantastic start. And this kind of support should inspire a new mother to continue this modus operandi for herself, by making it a priority to enlist help, to take some time during the day to nourish herself, whatever that means to her, and have less responsibility for absolutely everything.
I loved stay-home motherhood. To me, this was my ultimate expression of feminism. Baking cookies, reading to my kids. changing cloth diapers…all those things made me feel empowered, not like a slave. But it could get mind numbing too. Had I not had my studies to nourish me, I might not have loved those years as much. I would have felt a lot more servant-y. And had I had even more support, like some maid service a couple times per week, or more babysitting once in awhile to have more dates with my husband, I probably would have loved it even more and had more patience, rather than always running on “frazzled”.
So all of you “selfish”, “self-centered” mothers out there, I salute you! You contribute to the raising of children who will respect you. You are a model to them, demonstrating that self-care is a crucial component to living a rich, fulfilling life, and a key to being more present in your important relationships.
by MotherWit | Feb 11, 2010 | Uncategorized
Last night, I got a call from someone in labour. It sounded pretty mellow, and I figured by the sound of things, she’d call me within an hour or two to go to her house to support her awhile before heading to the hospital. But the mom and dad just did so great together at home, they didn’t call me until the waters broke. Even then, the mom herself was on the phone, saying, “I think we’ll go to the hospital now” all calm. But I knew I’d better hurry, because she has awesome birthing vibes. I got there, and she was already pushing. I kind of always feel a little bad when a birth goes like this and I wasn’t there to hang out longer, but then I think, “Hey! How empowering is it to be at home with your partner, having a nice time, then show up to the hospital fully dilated?!” People don’t always need me along for that ride, though they like it when I’m at the hospital protecting that birthing space for them, which I did. The resident, a sweet young guy, wanted to check her to see if the baby was coming down while she pushed, and she said, “Oh, it’s coming down, alright. I feel it.” She was a good sport so let him have a feel of what was going on and he said, “oh, yes, it’s moving down, you’re pushing in the right spot.” I smiled at him and very gently, so as not to make him feel like he said something kinda silly, conveyed to him that a woman without an epidural will most definitely know that her baby is coming, that having got to where she was completely on her own steam and without direction, she was going to continue to do so. He just beamed and looked really proud of her, happy to be there. The night nurses, with whom I have good rapport, just did the bare minimum of stuff and and didn’t interfere in the birthing space at all. I’m very grateful to them that they give me the space to create the environment the mother wants. The doctor, whom I just love because she is so accommodating, plus we have ALWAYS had natural, straightforward births together, came in and without anything but gentle praise and encouragement, caught the baby after a few easy pushes. The baby was 9lbs13oz.
What I love about this story as a doula, is that this resident now has a bit of a different side of the story. The mom already had supreme confidence in her birthing abilities, being raised by a mother who promoted a very positive view of birthing as normal. In his mind and training, a baby that huge, especially for a first time mom, is on the dangerous side to birth, and IF it is birthed vaginally, it must have to be with lots of direction, checking, and the very least, stirrups to “open the pelvis” and be ready for action, never mind no epidural. It was probably a good thing for this mom she had only opted for an ultrasound at 20 weeks and no other, as nobody figured the baby was that big, therefor nobody carried any fears about it. I know that in obstetrics being prepared for every eventuality is preferred, and they’d rather know if they’re going to run into potential dystocia. But sometimes holding that worry creates tension and an enviromnent of “management”, which, though while it is helpful for the staff to be aware of all contingencies, is not always so fun for the mom. I love that the resident now brings this story to his future practice, knowing from a good experience that the boundaries of normal are very very stretchy…just like birthing women!
